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Teaching our children, and ourselves, how to be grateful
By: By DONNA RYDER Messenger Associate Editor
Whenever my children receive gifts, even if it’s just a piece of candy, I always try to make sure they say “thank you.”
Following up more substantial gifts — those for birthdays and Christmas — with thank-you cards is a little harder for me to remember to do. Sending cards is something I’ve never really been in the habit of doing. I often intend to send thank-you, birthday, get well and sympathy cards, but they never seem to make it from my thoughts into the envelopes and the mailbox.
My children are usually grateful for what they receive and tell my husband and me thank you for something nearly every day. I think they get that from their father, who never fails to ask guests in our home if they’d like to have something to drink, even if the guest is a salesman.
Author and kids expert Dr. Virginia Bentz says most parents, when asked if their children are grateful, answer with a reluctant, “Not always.”
“Who hasn’t felt a nasty smarting pang in the gut from the sight of a child who takes a gift, tears it open and throws it aside, inconsiderate of the effort that went into this special attempt to please him,” she asked, saying, “Yes, seeing your child in all his ungrateful glory can be downright horrifying.”
But all hope is not lost. “The good news is you can instill gratitude in your child,” she said.
Dr. Bentz has written a book “Quick Guide to Good Kids” (Frederick Fell Publishers Inc., October 2007, ISBN-13: 978-0-88391-153-2, ISBN-10: 0-88391-153-1, $11.95) in which she says parents need to realize that a lifetime of spoiling, untempered by conscious and frequent lessons in thankfulness, makes ungratefulness a virtual certainty.
“The expression of gratitude does not come naturally to children, but parents can teach it to them,” insists Dr. Bentz. “In fact, they do it all the time. And what better time of year to drive the lesson of gratitude home than right now? Having just celebrated Thanksgiving and with Christmas just ahead, these holidays are filled with teachable moments and opportunities to show what gratitude really means.”
The author says parents should enforce “thank-yous” in the beginning. Starting at a young age is the best way. “You can ask your toddler to say ‘Thank you’ whenever someone has given her something nice. It might be the bank teller giving her a lollipop from the bowl on the counter or Grandma giving her a cookie. It takes only a few seconds to slow your child down and ask her to acknowledge the gift.”
And saying those “thank-yous” several times a day will eventually become a habit and an automatic response. “When she forgets, you can prompt her gently, ‘What do you say to Grandma, after she gave you that yummy cookie?’”
As children grow older, they can be taught to show gratitude in more “adult” ways, such as writing thank-you cards for Christmas or birthday presents. Relatives can also receive phone calls from the child with thanks for a specific gift. “This is a courtesy that children will be expected to know and exercise as adults,” she said.
“A moral dilemma can arise if he really doesn’t like the gift,” asserts Dr. Bentz. “It helps to explain that even if you didn’t want a dominoes game, you need to understand that Uncle Joe was thinking kindly of you, and he went out specially and picked this just for you, and he really hoped that you would like it. If you don’t, his feelings will be hurt. So you can just say that you got his present, you opened it on your birthday, and thank you very much for the dominoes game. That’s enough.”
And, of course, Dr. Bentz said parents should practice what they preach. “You should be vigilant about thanking people who go out of their way to help you. No matter how rushed you are. ... Your child is always watching you and listening to you, so each time he hears you say ‘Thank you,’ it will deepen his impression that this is a necessary response.”
The author said it is easy for children and adults alike to forget how fortunate they are. “To help your child and you remember her blessings, try this experiment: Every time you hear a negative comment or complaint come out of your child’s mouth, reply to her with a positive response to teach her to look on the bright side. Since such a large part of gratitude has to do with a person’s perspective, one can easily become a more gracious person by remembering the positives that are often overlooked.”
She suggests making the most of the holidays and incorporating thanks into the family’s spiritual life. “If you celebrate a Higher Being, you can focus on lessons in gratitude as you pass on your beliefs to your child. Since most religions and spiritual traditions already focus on gratitude, it shouldn’t be difficult to incorporate the theme of thankfulness into your devotional time.
“Teaching children that all good things come from God naturally instills gratitude in them,” says Dr. Bentz. “Praying before meals, for instance, is a powerful way to show kids what gratitude looks like.”
Fill the holiday season with “feel good” movies, such as “It’s a Wonderful Life” to teach valuable lessons about being thankful.
And, finally, she says, “Don’t spoil your child with too many gifts.”
“Showering your child with tons of toys, games, movies and candy can undermine your attempts to teach gratitude. First, it breeds entitlement, which is the polar opposite of thankfulness. Second, being overwhelmed with gifts overloads your child’s ‘gratitude’ receptors.
“The less kids get, the more they appreciate what they have,” she said.
Associate Editor Donna Ryder can be contacted by e-mail at dryder@ucmessenger.com.
Published in The Messenger on 11.23.07
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“Quick Guide to Good Kids”, Dr. Virginia Bentz, Just A Thought, thank you, Thanksgiving
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