Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Larry King filed for divorce from his eighth wife Shawn Southwick Thursday. His lawyers say there’s only a fifty percent chance he will go through with the divorce. This is Hollywood, there’s always a fifty percent chance he’ll just kill her.
Al Pacino stars in an HBO movie Saturday about Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who pioneered doctor-assisted suicide. He was sent to prison but the case changed his profession. These days if a psychiatrist determines you are suicidal they make you pay in advance.
Iceland’s volcano eruption last week caused the biggest disruption ever in aviation history throughout Europe. Ash and smoke came roaring out of the Eyjafjallajokull Glacier. The volcano erupted suddenly and spewed Scrabble tiles all over the atmosphere.
Carlsberg brewery in Copenhagen cut workplace drinking to three beers at lunch on Friday, causing a strike. Workers demanded the right to drink beer at cigarette breaks. It’s the kind of healthy lifestyle you’d expect from a city named after chewing tobacco.
President Obama will honor the New York Yankees at the White House for winning the World Series. The players don’t want to go. If they want to be lectured about making more money than they’re worth they can have breakfast with George Steinbrenner.
Michelle Obama told CNN she and her husband limit the time their daughters can spend online. They’re worried about what they might find on the Internet. Last night the girls grilled them for two hours about the deficit they’re going to inherit.
Joe Biden took to the microphone Monday to announce the U.S. killed two al-Qaeda leaders in Iraq. It left the White House a bit embarrassed. Now the Attorney General has to decide whether to put Joe Biden on trial in New York or by a military tribunal.
Time’s Joe Klein accused Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck of sedition. They call for liberty, low taxes and limited government. You’re not allowed to quote the Founding Fathers without arching your eyebrow and reminding the listener they all owned slaves.
Bill Clinton urged the Tea Party to temper its language Friday. He said they could inspire radical militias to violence. This from a president who took down a painting of George Washington in the Oval Office and replaced it with The Rape of the Sabine Women.
Arizona enacted a new law letting cops arrest anyone on a street corner who may be an illegal alien. It’s just not fair. There are a lot of people standing on street corners looking for work nowadays, and some of them came over on the Mayflower.
Pope Benedict struggled to control the damage to the Roman Catholic Church and to his own reputation Sunday by meeting and consoling and praying with victims of priest sex abuse in Malta. The pope had tears in his eyes. It must have been the mace.
The SEC filed a civil suit against Goldman Sachs for conflict of interest on Friday, timed suspiciously with the president’s financial regulatory bill. It just never ends. On Monday he flew out to Hollywood to stage a takeover of James Cameron.
The World Health Organization advised Europeans to stay indoors as volcanic ash spread over Europe from Iceland. The ash also diffuses the light and causes deep orange sunsets, making everyone look ten years younger. Hollywood residents were last seen on top of Mount Wilson with toilet plungers trying to get lava to come out of the peak.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.21.10

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