Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama was urged by the Pentagon to sanction Iran over Iran’s nuclear program Tuesday. Iranians don’t want to cooperate with Obama. As soon as you take his telephone call he tries to force you to give home loans to people with bad credit.
Oklahoma Sooner Sam Bradford was listed as the top NFL draft pick Thursday and a big contract awaits him. He told ESPN he doesn’t want to know anything about business and he totally trusts his agent. In Hollywood this is known as Nicolas Cage Disorder.
Mark Twain was honored in Hartford on the centennial of his death Tuesday. For the last forty years of his life he lived in Hartford to be near his publisher. Then as now it was much easier for comedians to get an advance in person than by mail.
Iceland’s volcano eruption last week caused the biggest disruption in aviation ever. Travelers were stuck at airports for five days. The scanning machines got so tired of seeing the same bodies they started watching ballgames and acting indifferent.
The NCAA banned football players from wearing eyeblack with messages printed on them. It was necessary. These kids are supposed to be amateurs and it’s just matter of time before Nike starts naming its new athletic shoes Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Iran’s cleric said Monday women who dress promiscuously cause earthquakes. They will soon begin underground nuclear testing along a major fault. They’re trying to blame their next earthquake on cleavage because they think it’ll be good for tourism.
Journal Dermatology published research Monday finding that use of tanning beds may be addictive. They can also be hazardous. Each tanning bed already comes with a warning that the use of this product could get you arrested and deported in Arizona.
Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahoney ripped Arizona’s new law allowing police to question and arrest anyone appearing to be illegal immigrants. The cardinal even likened Arizona to the Third Reich. Now his boss wants to buy vacation property there.
The European Union said Monday that vacation travel is a human right. They say governments must subsidize vacations for poor people. In America owning a trailer home is a human right, and a tornado takes you wherever it takes you for your vacation.
Bill Clinton implied last week that Tea Party protesters could inspire another Oklahoma City-like domestic terrorism act. It makes him angry when members of the Tea Party talk about freedom. He hasn’t had any freedom since camera phones came out.
President Obama’s motorcade drew thousands of onlookers Monday in downtown Los Angeles. People lined the street to watch as the motorcade raced by. They couldn’t understand why the cops didn’t just throw a spike strip in front of him.
The White House sued Goldman Sachs for short-selling mortgage derivatives just before last year’s crash. The investment bank hired Obama’s fired White House counsel Greg Craig to defend them in court against the president’s Justice Department attorneys. The only thing missing in this picture is oboe music and screaming surfers.
President Obama will speak at the Cooper Union in Lower Manhattan today to demand more federal supervision over Wall Street. Investment bankers provide the working capital that makes it possible for Americans to start businesses, create jobs and finance growth. They could all be arrested for making government less necessary.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.22.10

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