Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Larry King called off his divorce to Shawn Southwick in Beverly Hills Thursday after she claimed he fell in love with her sister. In the past forty years he’s been divorced eight times by seven women. Larry King is the inspiration for twin beds.
The NCAA agreed to a ten billion dollar deal Friday from CBS Sports and Turner to air the annual college basketball tournament. It’s staggering. The reason President Obama plays golf instead of basketball is that basketball’s become just too profitable.
Arizona’s governor signed a bill allowing cops to arrest illegal aliens. A forty-mile region north of the border has been overrun and seized by deadly drug gangs. President Obama denounced the law and told Arizonans to get used to a two-state solution.
The White House moved Thursday to curb Wall Street’s derivatives market used by investment bankers to make risk-free millions. You can’t prosecute them. They’ll just plead innocent in court then hedge their plea by betting against their acquittal.
The SEC decided to sue Goldman Sachs for shortselling mortgage securities they were selling to other customers. It’s not illegal to sell investors a deal that’s destined to fail. The employees in Wrigley Field’s box office were happy to hear that.
The White House released a report Friday saying that U.S. kids are so overweight it’s a threat to national security. They don’t exercise. In Beverly Hills Little League if a player gets four balls he doesn’t walk, his mom drives him to first base.
Reverend Franklin Graham was dropped from the National Day of Prayer breakfast Friday. He offended Muslims. They didn’t care that Franklin Graham described Islam as evil but they were very upset when they found out that his father led the Crusades.
South Park creators were threatened with death by Muslims for the show’s depiction of Prophet Muhammed on Comedy Central. The network caved in and edited it. They could have hired security guards but no one’s hiring now that they have to pay for health care.
USA Today reported Tuesday that forty-one doctors are running for House seats or Senate seats this fall. They had no choice but to go to Washington D.C. personally. Their income’s been cut so much by health care reform that they can’t afford lobbyists.
President Obama backed away Friday from Democrat Alexi Giannoulias, who’s running for his former Senate seat in Illinois. The guy is connected to a crooked bank, which is connected to Obama’s indicted fundraiser Tony Rezko, who’s connected to the mayor of Chicago. Before this is over President Obama will be showing his Kenyan birth certificate as an alibi.
George Washington was found Friday to owe three hundred thousand dollars in overdue book fees to the New York City Public Library. Shortly after he became president he checked out a book of House of Lords transcripts and never returned it. He’d only been president a month and already he was looking for an exit strategy.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.27.10

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