Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mexico denounced Arizona’s new law cracking down on illegal immigrants Tuesday and issued an advisory to its citizens not to travel there. It’s unbelievable. We spent $10 billion on a virtual fence when all we had to do was insult them.
Mexican coyotes were reportedly charging people $3,000 to be transported across the U.S. border. Anyone who can’t pay must carry drugs. It seems inhumane but it guarantees you a warm welcome in California if you can make it through Arizona.
New York women marched in low-cut blouses to protest an Iranian mullah’s ruling that lewd clothing causes earthquakes. Hours later an earthquake hit Taiwan. Democrats announced they’re going to have hearings to investigate the mullahs for insider trading.
The White House said Tuesday Somali pirates in U.S. custody will be tried in New York. They’re charged with piracy at sea. Security at the courthouse will be tight to prevent Goldman Sachs recruiters from coming in and signing them to long-term deals.
Goldman Sachs was ripped by the U.S. Senate Tuesday for making money during the crash by covering both sides of mortgage securities sales. Why the fuss? Under SEC law it’s not a crime to sell gasoline and fire extinguishers out of the same station wagon.
Hugh Hefner saved the Hollywood sign from demolition by real estate developers Monday with a cash donation. Everyone’s nostalgic about the sign. Putting a city’s name on the hillside is how people used to find their way around before there was GPS.
Larry King’s lawyer announced in Beverly Hills Friday that the King of Talk is calling off his divorce proceedings in hopes of a reconciliation. Last night his wife met him at the door wearing a sexy negligee. The trouble is, she was coming home.
The Supreme Court will decide if California can ban video games for children where people are maimed, killed or sexually assaulted. How are children supposed to learn? First the schools cut driver’s ed and now the state’s banned high school simulation training.
The Boy Scouts reported a huge increase in the number of children enrolling in scouting. It’s a sign of the times. Children need to learn how to live outside in the woods so when they graduate from college they don’t have to move in with their parents.
National Security Adviser Jim Jones apologized for telling a Jewish joke while onstage. He mistakenly thought he had a gift for comedy. Throughout his military career people always laughed at his jokes, but that’s because he has nuclear weapons.
Walmart was targeted by a class-action lawsuit Monday that claims the retailer discriminates against female employees. It’s huge. Walmart could be forced to pay huge cash settlements to a million women, breaking a record Tiger Woods thought would stand forever.
Orly Airport in Paris reopened Tuesday after 10 days of volcanic ash shutdown, allowing stranded passengers to fly home from France. Everyone was deliriously joyful. Whenever this many Germans leave France in one day, there is a victory parade.
Phoenix was the site of riots Tuesday as Hispanics protested the new law which makes it a crime to be in the country illegally. Washington vowed to take action against the state. Democrats in Congress on Tuesday interrupted their scapegoating of Jewish investment bankers from Goldman Sachs to call Arizonans a bunch of Nazis.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.29.10

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