Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reported Thursday this April has been one of the chilliest Aprils in 100 years. Meteorologists lost track of the warm air current. El Nino got as far as the Arizona border, where it changed its name to Buster Johnson.
Tiger Woods plays in the Quail Hollow Championship in Charlotte Friday in his first public appearance since his scandal broke. There’ll be no one on the course to keep the women away from him. He’s been looking forward to this day for a long time.
USA Today hyped Tim Tebow as the savior of the NFL’s image Thursday. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t do drugs and he doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex. Last week Tim Tebow celebrated his 22nd birthday, the question is, how?
Miami Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland apologized for asking NFL draftee Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute. They have to check out these rookies very carefully. Each one gets a home visit to see if his dogs are healthy or if they have any battle scars.
President Obama campaigned Wednesday in Iowa and Illinois and Missouri, where he stopped for a charcoal hamburger at Peggy Sue’s Cafe in Monroe City. The president didn’t pay for the meal. The next three generations of Americans will pick up the tab.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry admitted he shot and killed a coyote with his Magnum pistol while jogging in Austin. It’s going to cost him. Texans don’t mind, but the next day Gov. Perry was fined by Louisiana, Oklahoma and New Mexico for littering.
Sandra Bullock filed for divorce from Jesse James Monday. He cheated with Nazi strippers and he dressed up like Hitler. Jesse James lost his last chance of holding onto his marriage when he accepted the appointment as territorial governor of Arizona.
House Democrats went ballistic over Arizona’s new law which lets police arrest illegal aliens. The party’s future depends on Mexico. The Democratic Party used to enjoy the advantage of having eight children in every family but now they simply order in.
Texas lawmakers considered writing a bill similar to Arizona’s new law letting cops detain illegal aliens. It’s no strain on the system. Texas police have plenty of time on their hands now that NFL teams are only drafting players of good character.
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome called a city-wide travel boycott of Arizona Tuesday. They’ve nothing in common. San Francisco is a gay community while Arizona is a Confederate colony, they haven’t been seen together since Bonanza was canceled.
GOP candidate for governor Tim James demanded that Alabama be English only to keep out illegal immigrants. They upset the delicate racial balance in Alabama between blacks and whites. The state simply doesn’t have the money for a third set of schools.
Al Sharpton promised to lead protest marches in Phoenix and Tucson Thursday to support the rights of illegal aliens to work in farm and service jobs in the United States. It’s come to this. Civil rights leaders are marching in support of slave labor.
The Coast Guard announced a plan to burn the million-gallon oil spill floating on the Gulf of Mexico in one giant fire. The situation is costing a lot of jobs in the restaurant industry in New Orleans. The shrimp are arriving on shore fully cooked.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messsenger 4.30.10

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