Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Teheran’s police chief went on Iranian television Thursday and vowed to arrest every woman with a suntan. The government knows what it’s doing. They’ve seen the popularity of Arizona’s immigration law and they are adapting it to their own country.
Tim Tebow’s Denver Bronco jersey was reported Friday to be the top-selling NFL jersey. His Christian image has upset the league’s entire business model. For two decades they have been funding the NFL pension plan by selling Oakland Raider jerseys.
Laura Bush writes in her new book, Spoken From the Heart, that she killed her high school boyfriend in a car wreck. It’s stunning. Many people credit President Bush for keeping the country safe after the 9/11 attack, but he doesn’t deserve credit because every president’s wife gets a driver.
Tiger Woods played at Quail Hollow last week in his first public appearance since his sex scandal broke. Golf fans greeted him warmly during the practice rounds. He always warms up with brunettes and redheads before he plays for real with the blondes.
President Obama’s appearance in Illinois Wednesday was protested by a local Tea Party. Someone called a SWAT team to break up the group of senior citizens in lawn chairs. It’s a bad idea to assault senior citizens with batons because Medicare is already bankrupt.
Louisiana called out the National Guard when sabotage was suspected in the oil spill. Angry Prius owners are the chief suspects. If they can get gas prices above five dollars a gallon, they may be able to sell those cars for what they paid for them.
The White House said Thursday the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is of international significance. The spill consists of some of the highest-grade crude in the world. The oil is so light and sweet that every barrel comes with pastry and souffle recipes.
May Day protest marches by Hispanics turned ugly Saturday as eight more states considered proposals for an Arizona-style law. We’ve gotten so uptight. There was a time in this country when asking a Mexican for his papers meant you were about to share a joint.
Arizona’s Governor Jan Brewer got a sixteen-point bounce in the polls Thursday after signing the immigration law. She was called a Nazi by Hispanic groups. As soon as the numbers came out Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’s invading Poland.
Bill Clinton took up for Goldman Sachs executives Thursday but added that they make no-risk billions playing the derivatives market. He’s right on this. It’s the easiest way to make a fortune in America outside of marrying and divorcing Larry King.
Florida’s Governor Charlie Crist dropped his GOP Senate bid Thursday to run as an Independent. He’s what’s called a moderate Republican. You can see them in Utah at the Dinosaur National Monument standing between the Raptors and Nelson Rockefeller.
Hillary Clinton was reported Thursday to be staying in touch with her political supporters and campaign donors. She’s limited on what she can do as Secretary of State. As soon as President Obama decided to condemn Israel and side with the illegal immigrants, Hillary decided to open diplomatic relations with Iowa and New Hampshire.
The Pentagon said the Taliban was gaining in Afghanistan Thursday as U.S. troops labored under way-too-strict rules of engagement. If you kill a Taliban fighter, you could be put on trial, if you capture and grill them, you could be put on trial, if you taunt them you could be put on trial. This isn’t a war, it’s a Perry Mason marathon.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.3.10

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