Posted: Tuesday, May 4, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sandra Bullock filed for divorce against Jesse James Tuesday after revelations he cheated on her with strippers. That wasn’t the only problem. She’s Jewish and he is a Nazi, proving that eHarmony’s software still has a few bugs to be worked out.
Miami Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland apologized Wednesday for asking NFL draftee Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute. What he did is not the general manager’s job. Insulting the character of a wide receiver’s mother is the opposing linebacker’s job.
Laura Bush’s memoir reveals that President Bush was poisoned at a dinner with U.S. allies three years ago in Berlin. He was in bed for over a week. The difference between food poisoning and the war in Iraq is that food poisoning has an exit strategy.
President Obama expounded on Goldman Sachs executives while he toured Illinois on Wednesday. He told a crowd he thinks that at a certain point you’ve made enough money. No wonder the New York Yankees weren’t smiling in the photo with him on Monday.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez seized three beer breweries and two sugar mills Tuesday after seizing the oil companies. He now controls the beer, sugar, oil and cocaine in his country. As energy policies go, it’s a lot more popular than Drill, Baby, Drill.
The Gulf of Mexico oil spill spread Thursday, threatening sea life and wildlife from Louisiana to Florida. You can see where this is going. Between the oil spills and the coal mine accidents, nuclear power is starting to look as safe as baby shampoo.
Louisiana declared a state of emergency Thursday and the governor asked for the National Guard to help deal with the threat from the oil spill. The negative side effects are numerous. The oil could mix with the cotton and grow polyester right out of the swamp.
Congressman Jose Serrano demanded Friday that Major League Baseball move next year’s All-Star game out of Arizona to protest the immigration law. It would be terrible to cancel the All-Star game. It’s the only time that illegal aliens are allowed to vote.
The United Nations voted Thursday to put Iran on the U.N. Commission on the Status of Women. Iranian law allows the public stoning and lashing of women convicted of immodesty. If Iran was a nightclub it would filled with Republican donors every night.
Noah’s Ark Ministries announced Thursday that evangelical explorers found Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat in Turkey. They say that carbon dating verified the wood’s age. Two of every creature were onboard, attracted by the all-inclusive price and no tipping.
President Obama disinvited Tony Perkins and Franklin Graham from National Day of Prayer events Thursday. America is a majority Protestant nation and the president is disinviting Protestants from the National Day of Prayer. It may have been a mistake to fire Greg Craig as White House Counsel and replace him with Jack Kevorkian.
Conan O’Brien ripped Jay Leno Sunday for taking back the Tonight Show. He can’t understand why NBC took the show away from him after he tanked the ratings. Conan graduated from Harvard where he learned the importance of good East Coast connections, and Jay graduated from the Comedy Store where he learned that your option comes up after each joke.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.4.10