Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The FBI arrested Times Square car bomber Faisal Shahzad as he tried to flee the U.S. Monday. It’s the fourth attack by Muslims on U.S. soil in a year. The White House vowed to redouble its efforts to defeat British Petroleum and white people in Arizona.
Faisal Shahzad was arrested for the Times Square bombing at JFK Airport before a flight to Dubai. He was seized before takeoff. A flight attendant noticed he’d carried a bomb on board the plane and he refused to pay the twenty-five dollars extra for carry-on.
The White House said Tuesday Faisal Shahzad confessed to the bungled attempt to explode a car bomb hooked up to an alarm clock in Times Square. He’s a registered Democrat. He set the timer wrong on the alarm clock and he always votes on Wednesday.
Homeland Security identified Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad as a naturalized U.S. citizen from Pakistan Monday. The media wept. The New York Times, doing all it could to make him sound like a Tea Partyer, described the bomber as a Connecticut man.
Mayor Mike Bloomberg warned Monday that the attempted Times Square car bombing was probably the work of an opponent of health care reform. It wasn’t that bad of a guess. He had an eighty percent chance of being right according to the last poll.
The Phoenix Suns wore El Sols on their playoff uniforms to celebrate Arizona’s Hispanic past. Before the U.S. conquest there were few Hispanics living there. The Comanches and Navajos occupied Arizona and Spanish men are very vain about their hair.
President Obama was ripped for the slow response to the oil slick Tuesday. He must be at his wit’s end. As if he wasn’t in enough trouble with the left for approving the drilling to begin with, turtles are now showing up on television in blackface.
Florida shrimp boats stayed in port Tuesday after the Gulf of Mexico oil slick shut down seven thousand miles of commercial fishing. It won’t affect recreational fishing. A lot of fishing is catch and release, kind of like our immigration policy.
The White House declared Nashville a disaster area Tuesday when heavy rainfall and thunderstorms turned Music City into a swirling lake. The flooding is just terrible. People in Tennessee are clinging to Dolly Parton just to keep from drowning.
Jackie Kennedy was reported in FBI files Monday to have had an affair with Ted Kennedy while she was still married to Jack Kennedy. Years later she also had an affair with Bobby Kennedy. Marilyn Monroe impersonators have always made a good living.
U.S. Census takers were ordered to report home-owners who express anti-government sentiment. The government already has your tax returns, medical records and your naked photo taken at the airport. It’s every item Richard Nixon listed in his I Have a Dream speech.
The Washington D.C. City Council passed a bill Tuesday to legalize medical marijuana but it has to be approved by Congress. You know how this turns out. By the time Congress finishes with the bill Kentucky farmers will get federal subsidies for not growing it.
The FDA marked the fiftieth anniversary of the approval of the birth control pill in the U.S. and Europe Tuesday. The pill’s presence has depopulated industrialized nations and the pill’s absence has swelled the population of poor countries. Thanks to the pill, half the planet is starving while the other half is trying to lose weight.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.6.10

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