Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
A Philadelphia Phillies security cop fired his Taser gun to stop a teenage boy who ran on the field during Monday’s game. He dropped the kid with one Taser dart from his gun. Now Phillie fans expect it in every game during the seventh inning stretch.
The Pentagon revoked its invitation to Franklin Graham’s group on the National Day of Prayer. It is a group which prays with their arms in the air. A Methodist once accidentally walked into one of their services and called the police to report a crime in progress.
Greg Kinnear signed to play Jack Kennedy in the History Channel mini-series on the Kennedys this fall. He says the part demands all his energy. To prepare for the role he spent three months studying under Tiger Woods at the Crazy Horse in Las Vegas.
Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad told U.S. interrogators he flew back and forth to Pakistan frequently. He said he went there to attend bomb school. That’s where they teach you how to buy a car with cash, pack it full of dynamite and avoid Arizona.
Faisal Shahzad told FBI interrogators he spent six months in Pakistan attending a terrorist training school. He set the bomb timer wrong and only the firecrackers went off. It’s just one more example of schools failing thanks to Republican policies.
The FBI said Faisal Shahzad admitted immediately to putting a car bomb in Times Square. He said he lost his house to foreclosure and he hated George W. Bush. The White House didn’t know whether to read him his rights or name him to the Supreme Court.
President Obama threw a Cinco de Mayo party in Washington, D.C. Wednesday. He has total confidence in his ability to persuade people. He invited Arizona’s governor and Arizona’s 600,000 illegal aliens to the White House for a beer summit.
The Phoenix Suns wore Los Suns on the team uniforms Wednesday to mark Cinco de Mayo. They wanted to honor the city’s Hispanic population. Fifteen times during the game the Suns were whistled by the referee for three seconds in the United States.
Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano told Congress Wednesday the U.S. border with Mexico is as secure as it’s ever been. There’s a simple explanation for her testimony. She got the calendar wrong and got Cinco de Mayo and April Fool’s mixed up.
House Appropriations Committee chairman David Obey withdrew from his reelection race Wednesday. He passed the health care bill and now he’s finished. Health care reform is going to end up evacuating more congressional offices than an anthrax scare.
Laura Bush started her book tour in Virginia Monday where hundreds lined up at seven in the morning just to meet her. She’s mobbed wherever she goes. She’s taken to wearing a fake black mustache and urging everybody to buy gold from Rosland Capital.
British Petroleum made progress containing the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico Wednesday. It’s a win-win. They plan to put a containment dome over the spill and bring the slimy crude to the surface where it will be signed to host a satellite radio show.
President Obama was quoted Wednesday calling Tea Partyers by the vulgar slang term, tea baggers. It’s an obscene reference to oral sex. If the TV networks put President Obama on a seven-second delay it’ll give him the advantage of surprise when he invades Arizona.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.7.10

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