Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Nashville remained submerged from the Cumberland River flood Friday. Residents want federal attention. The president already declared Nashville a disaster area, and that was three years ago when someone asked him if he likes country-western music.
Nancy Pelosi told Catholic priests Friday to instruct parishioners to back immigration reform. There’s a big difference between a Speaker’s power and a priest’s power. Priests don’t have House Whips to enforce their will except in Mel Gibson movies.
Wall Street analysts predicted Friday that Greece would rather default on its bonds than cut entitlements. This means Greek bonds would be a stack of worthless paper. Americans could be looking at their future and Southerners could be looking at their past.
The TSA’s full-body scanners were cited by ACLU lawyers Friday after screeners made fun of male and female co-worker’s bodies when testing the machine. It’s just increasing the costs. Now every airport security line needs a drummer and a spotlight.
China opened the biggest world’s fair in history Friday in Shanghai and issued warnings to tourists. China health officials said that unsafe sex with prostitutes has given China the world’s highest rate of syphilis. They’re beating us at everything.
Times Square was shut down Friday when pedestrians spotted a cooler on the sidewalk. Casual bystanders have stopped the last four terror attacks. Now that our national security depends on blind luck you had to figure the enemy would bring in a cooler to try to change it.
The Taliban distanced itself Friday from Faisal Shahzad, who screwed up in Times Square and failed blow up his Pathfinder. His terrorist handlers are furious at his ineptitude. If he had used a Toyota like they told him, they could sue for damages.
Faisal Shahzad tried to attack Times Square with a Pathfinder full of fireworks, manure and propane tanks. What a strange contraption. He’d be a hero today if he’d stayed in the SUV, emerged from the smoke and claimed to be a visitor from the Eisenhower Era.
The Washington Post announced Wednesday it plans to sell Newsweek. Reading the weekly is therapeutic for many people. President Obama likes to read Newsweek each and every week because it doesn’t clutter up his mind with opposing points of view.
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs refused comment Thursday on President Obama’s use of the term tea baggers to describe Tea Party members. It’s vulgar and sexual. Even Joe Biden interrupted a string of F-bombs to say you can’t call people that name.
Tories beat Labor in Britain’s elections Thursday, however the lack of a majority could result in what Britain calls a hung Parliament. It made their cousins wistful on this side of the pond. If Americans could hang congressmen, the U.S. income tax would be celebrating its two hundred twentieth anniversary of never being introduced.
Journal Science reported gene research saying that Northern European ancestors were the only humans to mate with Neanderthals. They hunted with clubs. This gives anthropologists and Democrats alike an explanation for the clubby atmosphere in Arizona.
Comedy Central is airing a cartoon show this fall that has Jesus Christ living in New York disguised as a regular dude. It’s shocking. A lot of people thought that the Second Coming was in the White House but it turns out it’s on Comedy Central.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.11.10

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