Argus Hamilton 5.14.10
Posted: Friday, May 14, 2010 8:02 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rush Limbaugh said Wednesday he offered to play golf with President Obama last summer and Obama told Limbaugh to go play with himself. That’s always the safe plan. It would have saved the careers of Tiger Woods, John Edwards and Lawrence Taylor.
Tiger Woods was reported Tuesday to have agreed with his wife, Elin, to file for divorce in Sweden. He was raised in Los Angeles where people are generally wary of a marital commitment. You’re talking about one or two years out of a person’s life.
The NBA allowed the sale of the New Jersey Nets to Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov Tuesday. He did business with Zimbabwe’s regime and the Russian Mafia. Buying into a rigged basketball league is his way of showing the judge he’s turning his life around.
Germany’s Lufthansa Airlines announced Tuesday that its flight attendants will carry handcuffs aboard all flights. There was a strong customer demand for it. Now that the airlines charge for baggage, leg room, blankets and food, only masochists fly.
Phoenix lost the 2012 GOP Convention to Tampa Wednesday despite heavy lobbying by Arizona’s Chamber of Commerce. The vote wasn’t close. Republicans want to meet in Florida where they can get deeply suntanned without being deported to Mexico for it.
Council of La Raza speakers were taped urging Hispanic crowds to seize Arizona back from America. How sad. It’s a shame that Mexican-Americans, African-Americans and Anglo-Americans can’t work together and build their dreams on Native American land.
Oprah Winfrey’s show fell in the ratings Tuesday with viewership way down from last year. She’s been beaten for seven straight weeks by Judge Judy. Barack Obama has just replaced cirrhosis of the liver as the leading cause of death among Democrats.
The Wall Street Journal denied Tuesday that it ran an old picture of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan playing softball to imply she’s a lesbian. These rumors go way back. She was introducing people to her partner two years before she joined a law firm.
The Wall Street Journal said Gulf Coast hotels are suffering cancellations by holiday vacationers because of the oil spill. Not everyone is canceling. Some people are looking forward to having their Memorial Day barbecues right on the water.
The Treasury Department said Tax Day revenue was way down from the April 15th collections last year. People have just stopped paying their taxes. Many Americans have concluded that Leavenworth will be there when they retire and Social Security won’t be.
President Obama made nice with Afghan President Hamid Karzai Wednesday. Obama has criticized Karzai for corruption and Karzai has threatened to join the Taliban. They came out smiling after President Obama agreed to keep U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Hamid Karzai agreed to let Chicago host the International Corruption Games next year.
The Pentagon weighed a proposal Thursday to begin awarding U.S. soldiers a medal for courageous restraint. Soldiers in Afghanistan would be given medals for holding their fire. Once we started rewarding banks for losing money and car companies for losing customers it was just a short step to honoring soldiers for losing the war.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.14.10