Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mexican president Felipe Calderon visits the White House Wednesday where he’ll be given an official state dinner. They’re not sure how many are attending. In honor of the president of Mexico’s visit, there will be no security at the gates whatsoever.
LeBron James was rumored to be headed for the Chicago Bulls Friday. It’s a tough choice. Chicago protects its sports stars from sex, drug and gambling scandals but if you want to be in the monologue every night, you sign with New York or Los Angeles.
Betty White got Emmy mentions for her hosting job on Saturday Night Live at age 88. She partied with the cast until four in the morning, then caught a six o’clock flight to Los Angeles. They don’t call it the Greatest Generation for nothing.
Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed brutal budget cuts Friday to avoid defaulting on state bonds. Analysts worry California will become the next Greece. They’ve been worshipping naked men in San Francisco for so long you can hardly tell the difference.
President Obama denounced BP, Transocean and Halliburton on Friday for blaming each other for the oil spill hitting Louisiana and Mississippi. All the finger-pointing is puzzling. When Venezuela gave free oil to the poor, Hugo Chavez was celebrated for it.
White House demands for strict controls on BP’s drilling in the Gulf were complicated Friday by news that Vietnam is drilling nearby. It’s safe for the Vietnamese to have oil now. They don’t have to worry about President Bush toppling their government.
The N.Y. Times said the Obama administration ignored environmental laws and gave BP a permit to drill in the Gulf knowing it was risky. The president took more money from BP than any other candidate. We should have seen this coming when geneologists discovered two years ago that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are distant cousins.
The Jewish Federation of Los Angeles asked the Los Angeles City Council Friday to stop comparing Arizona to Nazi Germany. It’s backwards. Technically speaking the Nazis invaded other countries, so if you want the metaphor to work, Arizona is Poland.
Gloria Allred went after Roman Polanski on Friday with a new allegation of sex with a minor 20 years ago in Paris. The celebrity attorney is giving Tiger Woods a break. It’s the best evidence yet he gambled away all his money two years ago.
Attorney General Eric Holder was grilled in Congress Thursday about Arizona’s new immigration law. He’s denounced the Arizona law as unconstitutional while admitting he hasn’t read it. He’s read the law, it’s the Constitution he’s never seen.
President Obama wrote a message to all college graduates on Sunday in Parade magazine. A college graduation is a great chance for families to get together nowadays. Parents everywhere are turning the attic into a second bedroom.
The N.Y. Times said the top American baby names this year are Isabella, Jacob and Cullen. They’re the characters on the vampire show Twilight. We’re naming our babies after bloodsuckers to conceal the fact that we’re sticking them with all of our debts.
Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association convention in Charlotte on Friday. It was groundbreaking. It’s the first time in the history of the NRA that the speaker was both a presidential candidate and the hottest chick at the convention.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.18.10

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