Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed brutal budget cuts Tuesday which would slash welfare and pensions in California. Seniors were hit hardest. Eighty-eight-year-old women are having to host Saturday Night Live just to keep from eating cat food.
Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon will be honored at a White House state dinner tonight. The Secret Service plans to do all it can to keep out uninvited guests. Everybody who doesn’t look Mexican will be detained and returned to the Hyatt Regency.
Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray saved a woman’s life when she lost consciousness on a flight Friday. It was close. They asked if there was a doctor onboard and the woman nearly died while they had a thirty-minute debate over whether he was or wasn’t.
Arizona residents began canceling vacations in California Monday in response to Californians canceling conventions in Arizona. Both sides are dug in. The only politically acceptable way to travel from one state to the other is to go through Mexico.
President Obama’s aunt Zeituni Onyango was granted U.S. asylum Friday after she had a five-hour hearing with a U.S. immigration judge. She won the right to stay in Cleveland. The legal precedent could keep LeBron James from going to Chicago.
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan spoke with Senate Judiciary Committee members Monday. Her confirmation would greatly alter the high court. It would put four New Yorkers in the same room every day, and it only takes three to prove a conspiracy.
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that repeat sex offenders can be kept in prison forever even after their sentences have ended. It put a damper on the Cannes Film Festival. Roman Polanski and Woody Allen have to go to all the premieres in disguise.
Boston Red Sox alum Bernie Carbo said he was on pot, speed and alcohol when he hit a World Series homer in the mid-Seventies. What an era. The only reason they had crates of champagne in the locker room was to get players in shape for the drive home.
The White House wouldn’t let the government’s Minerals Management Service testify to the Senate Monday about the BP gulf oil rig. They approved the BP rig and gave it a safety award. Goldman Sachs just asked the Minerals Management Service if they do bond ratings.
British Petroleum succeeded in siphoning oil from its leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico Sunday. Next they say they’re going to jam the pipe with shredded tires and golf balls. They’ve been following Tiger Woods for three weeks collecting residue.
Nancy Pelosi told Californians Friday if they want to quit their job and be a musician they will still have health care. She’s got it backwards. Last night in Los Angeles Paul McCartney posed for pictures with diners at Morton’s and then he took their order.
Miss Michigan Rima Fakih became the first Arab-American to be crowned Miss USA Saturday. Talk about change. If someone had told you eight years ago that by now we’d have a president whose middle name was Hussein and a Shiite Muslim would be Miss USA you’d have said no way, NBC will cancel Law and Order before that happens.
The Episcopal Church consecrated a lesbian bishop Saturday, sharpening tensions between the church’s conservative membership and the church’s leftist hierarchy. You can feel the tension. Already the Ron Paul for Bishop movement’s picking up steam.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.19.10

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