Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arizona threatened Thursday to cut off the electricity it  sends to Los Angeles if Los Angeles continues to boycott Arizona.  It would be chaos. Without lights or air conditioning nobody would  be able to tell where Mexico ends and California begins.
Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon spoke to Congress Thursday. He lectured them on America’s unfair laws while the Vice President and House Speaker sat silently behind him. Americans turning on their TV sets at that moment thought we’d lost a war.
The Weather Channel aired spectacular footage of twenty-six Oklahoma tornadoes on Wednesday. There was video from every angle. Storm chasers have become such an aggravation that the tornadoes have asked Oklahoma lawmakers to pass a paparazzi law.
Dr. Anthony Galea was indicted Friday for giving athletes performance-enhancing drugs. It could open up the prescription drug records of Alex Rodriguez and Tiger Woods. Soon anyone with a computer will have the recipe to Hugh Hefner’s Secret Sauce.
Congress apologized to Indian tribes for past warlike U.S. policies Wednesday in a resolution read aloud at the Congressional Cemetery. It’s dangerous to walk around that place. There are four hundred and thirty-five open graves just waiting for November.
The Special Relationship airs on HBO Saturday starring Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Michael Sheen as Tony Blair. Quaid had a great time playing Bill Clinton. He just kept telling his wife it was research and there was nothing she could do about it.
Floyd Landis admitted Thursday that he took performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France. He’s Pennsylvania Amish. No one was suspicious of him until he returned home from winning the Tour de France and built a barn in six minutes flat.
The Liberty Bell in Philadelphia was shut down Friday after a suspicious white powder was found in a balloon near the landmark. No one panics if white powder is found near a Hollywood landmark. We just inject it into a wrinkle and see if it helps.
Mexico’s government invited Americans to vacation in Mexico in TV ads released Friday. In Mexico you can get a fifty-pound sack of sugar, two bushels of corn, a pint of booze and a wife for about twenty dollars. The trouble is, the booze is awful.
Mexican President Felipe Calderon used his speech to the United States Congress Thursday to lecture Americans about their drug use. He had better watch his step. America could destroy Mexico’s economy simply by restoring direct flights to Colombia.
Mexico’s Felipe Calderon defended illegal immigration Thursday. Americans are tired of paying for everybody. It’s bad enough they’ve got their adult kids living in the basement, now they’ve got another country sleeping on the living room sofa.
National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair was forced to resign by the White House. The president doesn’t consider him a team player. Everyone in Washington D.C. agrees Dennis Blair is a man of unquestioned ethics and integrity, so he had to go.
South Korea produced incontrovertible proof Thursday that its naval ship was sunk on the high seas by a North Korean midget sub in March. The Obama administration is said to be furious. Democrats don’t mind North Korea sinking a South Korean ship but using the word midget violates the speech code on every college campus in America.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.24.10

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