Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Immigration officials said Friday they will not help to deport illegal aliens from Arizona. The illegals enjoy the full protection of the law. Under the Obama Doctrine, unless there’s evidence they collected a Wall Street bonus they’ve committed no crime.
Lance Armstrong wiped out while cycling in the Tour de California Friday. It’s a new kind of race. In the Tour de California you go from an apartment to a condo to a house to a mortgage modification seminar, then you cross the finish line at the homeless shelter.
Lindsay Lohan flew back to L.A. from France a day late for her sentencing hearing before a Beverly Hills judge. The actress got the usual lenient treatment. She agreed to go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days and read the judge’s screenplay.
Japan offered Friday to broadcast the World Cup in hologram format to 3-D TV sets. It’s like watching a soccer match in your den. If you’ve ever had two drinks and counted the flowers in your wallpaper you can imagine the excitement of it.
Dan Aykroyd hosted an event in Chicago Thursday to celebrate the one-millionth bottle of Crystal Head Vodka he has sold. He was a Blues Brothers thirty years ago. That’s how long it’s taken him to auction off the contents of John Belushi’s panic room.
Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon ripped Arizona in a speech to the U.S. Congress Thursday, drawing standing ovations from the Democrats. He was mobbed after the speech. Every Democratic congressmen wanted him to register and vote in their district.
Mexico’s Felipe Calderon urged the U.S. Congress to pass immigration laws the U.S. and Mexico can embrace. It’s a numbers game. Illegal aliens who sneak into Mexico get two years in prison but the illegal aliens who sneak into America get time-and-a-half.
The White House’s top candidate for National Intelligence Director was reported on Friday to be Pentagon official James Clapper. That’s the perfect name for our top spy. You want somebody who can turn the lights on and off without leaving fingerprints.
President Obama ordered tough fuel economy standards for cars fifteen years from now. All cars will have to be smaller and lighter. In fifteen years you won’t be able to keep your beer cold because all the Styrofoam will be used for auto bodies.
BP announced it will shoot mud into the open well to try to stop the leak this week. The theory is, if you shoot enough mud at something it will dry up. It hasn’t worked on Sandra Bullock’s husband but that doesn’t mean it won’t work somewhere else.
Hillary Clinton demanded sanctions against North Korea for torpedoing a South Korean naval ship two months ago. There’s a reason she demanded an international response. She’s given up trying to get President Obama to return her telephone calls.
The Financial Reform Act designed to rein in Wall Street sailed through the U.S. Senate Friday and headed for conference with its House sponsor, Barney Frank. It doesn’t even touch Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, which caused the bubble and crash. The fact that there’s anything Barney Frank doesn’t want you to touch is news in itself.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.25.10

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