Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama appointed a presidential commission Monday to investigate the British Petroleum oil spill as his approval ratings tumbled. This disaster has destroyed the president’s once-invincible aura. Thanks to BP we can all walk on water.
British Petroleum will try today to top-kill the leaking oil well by stuffing it with mud, as the crude oil keeps spreading. This is very bad for the birds. In one week the summer heat will arrive and we can use the Gulf of Mexico to fry chicken.
The Supreme Court stripped the NFL of anti-trust protections Monday. Each team can now strike its own merchandise deal and not share the revenue with other teams. This was the best news Jerry Jones has had since the plastic surgery tax was defeated.
Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson was taped taking a bribe from a reporter posing as a businessman. She was selling access to ex-husband Prince Andrew. She asked for her money in U.S. dollars because spokespersons for Weight Watchers try to avoid pounds.
New York’s Mayor’s Office said Law and Order’s cancellation will cost the city three thousand acting jobs and eighty million a year in economic activity. It was a network decision. The show is moving to Los Angeles where the criminals are beautiful.
Arizona offered to shut off electricity to Los Angeles Friday. The courts will have to step in. Now that a judge has ordered Lindsay Lohan to stay in Los Angeles we won’t have enough electricity for both her hair dryer and her electro-shock therapy.
Lindsay Lohan was ordered by a Beverly Hills judge Monday to start wearing an ankle monitor. It detects any alcohol use. The actress pouted and made a face when the judge told her that a tattoo of a ankle monitor is not an ankle monitor.
American-born al-Qaeda head Anwar al-Awlaki issued a tape Monday urging Muslims worldwide to kill Americans whenever they get the chance. He’s a real problem. The White House doesn’t know whether to assassinate him or give him a slice of Jerusalem.
Joe Sestak said Sunday the White House offered him a federal post if he’d quit the Pennsylvania Senate race. White House lawyers say the offer didn’t break any laws. Pay phones in Chicago are outside the jurisdiction of federal bribery statutes.
The White House proposed bailing out teachers union pension funds Tuesday. The states have mismanaged the money. The California teacher’s union has the only pension fund in the nation that was invested in independent films and flipping houses.
Connecticut U.S. Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal apologized for claiming he fought in Vietnam forty years ago when he was stationed stateside. A lot of people are misrepresenting their past. Nevada U.S. Senator Harry Reid is circulating photos of the Rat Pack onstage at the Sands with his head pasted on top of Frank Sinatra’s body.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.26.10

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