Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
George W. Bush said Tuesday his upcoming memoir Decision Points begins with his decision to quit drinking. It tells the story of how his wife Laura made him choose between her and booze. It’s happened so often it’s become a running gag in the family.
The NFL announced Tuesday New York will be host city of the Super Bowl in four years. It’ll magnify world focus on New York. There’ll be so much security at the stadium that the Justice Department will be able to hold terrorist trials at halftime.
Lindsay Lohan was latched to an alcohol-monitoring anklet Tuesday. It measures alcohol from sweat. If we cared as much about monitoring Iran’s nuclear program as we did Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety, Israel could save a lot of money on its air force.
South Africa declared itself ready to host the World Cup soccer tournament this month in Johannesburg. There’s always some violence. When England plays Mexico in the first round the National Guard will be breaking up fights at every bar in Arizona.
The White House was accused of offering Joe Sestak a federal job if he wouldn’t run against Arlen Specter. He refused the offer and won the primary. He also told the press about the bribe so that when he’s assassinated everyone will know it wasn’t suicide.
British Petroleum tried a top-kill procedure Wednesday, stuffing the oil leak with cement and mud to stop the spewing. It’s been tested on land with mixed success. John McCain tried it on Sarah Palin after the GOP convention but she still went rogue.
Florida Senator Bill Nelson demanded that the U.S. military take over efforts to shut down the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico from British Petroleum. This idea is idiotic. Placing the BP oil workers in a naked pyramid is not going to solve anything.
President Obama went to Capitol Hill Tuesday to pressure Senate Repub-licans to support him on immigration reform legislation. He has acquired photographs of them that could ruin their careers. The photos from the White House Christmas party just came back from the drug store and they clearly show the Republicans shaking his hand.
President Obama agreed to send twelve hundred National Guardsmen to the Mexico border Tuesday after a bitter partisan fight. The troops won’t be assigned to keep Mexicans out of the country. Their job is to arrest Arizona police who arrest Mexicans.
The Special Relationship stars Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Hope Davis as Hillary on HBO Saturday. The network had to cut the scene where Bill tells Hillary about his affair with Monica. For national security reasons we don’t want the North Koreans to know how far you can push Hillary without her doing anything about it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.27.10

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