Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sarah Ferguson was caught on tape selling access to Prince Andrew Tuesday. The uncontrollable redhead is full of get-rich-quick schemes. Ever since her neighbor Ethel was killed inside a Paris tunnel she hasn’t been able to get away with anything.
New York’s selection to host a cold weather Super Bowl was seen as a break for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sideline reporters will have to wear four extra layers of clothing. This could give Ben Roethlisberger enough time to consider the consequences.
The White House denied wrongdoing Monday when Joe Sestak said they offered him a cushy federal job to drop out of his Senate primary race with Arlen Specter. So that’s how it’s done. Now everybody in the country wants to run against Arlen Specter.
Toyota admitted its acceleration problems caused 90 deaths last year. They know what they’re doing. Toyota thinks if they can kill enough Americans maybe they can convince North Korea not to bomb their factories out of professional courtesy.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs berated White House reporters Tuesday, saying they ask way too many questions about the oil spill. Obama can’t believe he is being blamed for an oil spill. It’s not like he caused a hurricane the way Bush did.
George W. Bush said Monday his presidential memoir begins 24 years ago when Laura threatened to leave him and take their daughters if he didn’t quit drinking. It was a tough call. As much as he loves his daughters, he’s even closer to Old Granddad.
British Petroleum tried to plug the oil leak by pumping mud and concrete through a pipe into the rig. They showed it on the Internet. So far the rig has attracted 26 marriage proposals, two threesies invitations and an obscenity indictment.
President Obama flew to the Gulf Coast Friday to check out the progress in the oil spill. He’s fighting the perception that his response was passive, which isn’t fair. The Obama administration has been following the oil spill, but only on Twitter.
Alaska had an oil spill on the tundra when a pipeline ruptured Tuesday. There is no outrage from Alaskans. Every Alaskan gets a share of the state’s oil royalties, unlike Louisiana where you have to pretend to be injured in order to get any oil money.
President Obama deployed 1,200 National Guardsmen to the Mexico border Tuesday. He sent them to work at desk jobs in four states. If anyone tried to start a Tea Party rally in the break room, the National Guard’s got orders to shoot to kill.
The Justice Department prepared to sue over Arizona’s new immigration law Wednesday claiming that if the U.S. decides not to enforce immigration law, the states can’t enforce immigration law either. This won’t make Obama more popular. Last week Texas Gov. Rick Perry was nearly impeached because for five minutes he forgot the Alamo.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il threatened a missile attack on South Korea and Japan and Southern California Wednesday. He drinks Cognac, takes Viagra and dates teenage women. He’s that guy who is always sitting next to Jack Nicholson at the Lakers games.
China refused to crack down on North Korea for sinking South Korea’s ship. Beijing is afraid tough sanctions will cause millions of North Koreans to come pouring over the border into their country. If there’s one thing China’s learned from California it’s that it’s financial suicide to be a welfare state with an open border.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.28.10

Print