Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Al Gore and Tipper Gore announced Tuesday that they are separating after forty years of marriage. The couple has been drifting increasingly apart. The other day Tipper pointed out to Al that the country runs on oil and that was the last straw.
Al-Jazeera anchorwomen quit Tuesday when ordered to comply with strict Muslim clothing rules. Standards change. A politician used to look humiliated after he had been tarred and feathered but today it looks like he just got back from the beach.
Homeland Security asked Avatar director James Cameron about the best way to plug the oil spill. They’re desperate. To make Barack Obama look like an environmental hero they are bringing in James Cameron to turn him into our nation’s first blue president.
Attorney General Eric Holder threatened to prosecute British Petroleum Tuesday for the Gulf oil spill. The oil company was discovered doing business with Iran. After destroying all the Gulf shrimp they had evil plans to go after the Gefilte fish.
Arizona Democrats teamed with Mexican lawmakers to fight Arizona’s immigration law in World Court. The migrants complain the desert passage is too brutal. They are taught from birth that be it ever so humble, there’s no place like somewhere else.
Hispanics picketed Dodger Stadium Tuesday to protest Arizona’s new immigration law. Support for the law is spreading. During the game one middle infielder made an error, prompting the umpires to check his papers and two groundskeepers to take him away.
The Obama administration announced it has serious reservations about Arizona’s new immigration law, which lets the state arrest illegal aliens. The bureaucrats have never been out West. They think if they have reservations they can get casino licenses.
The U.S. World Cup team plays England next week in South Africa. Nobody believes that England and the U.S. are really going up against each other. Everybody thinks they’re colluding to humiliate the French, defeat the Germans and steal the Arab’s oil.
Japan offered to telecast future World Cups in hologram form projected to home field soccer stadiums. The technology got Washington’s attention. Politicians can appear to be in bed with their wives while they’re actually in Argentina with their soulmates.
Charlie Sheen will agree Monday to a thirty-day sentence for assaulting his wife in Aspen, however the judge won’t let him smoke in jail. He always lands on his feet. Only Charlie Sheen could spend thirty days in prison and add thirty years to his life.
Israel got no help from the U.S. government Monday after its navy boarded a Palestinian boat that tried to run the blockade on its border. There’s no double standard here. The Obama administration is on record against secure borders.
Hillary Clinton returned from China last week where she discussed foreign policy with Chinese leaders and handed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The children looked really scared. They thought she was returning them because they were defective.
The Staples Center hosts the NBA finals tonight in L.A. During time-outs, couples kiss when they’re caught by the kiss-cam and the crowd judges the sincerity of each kiss by applauding or booing. Erin Andrews refuses to cover games at the Staples Center for fear that she’ll be lynched by the crowd if she refuses to kiss her stalker.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.3.10

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