Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga beat the runner to first base to finish a perfect game last week but the ump blew it. Everyone was pulling for him. The White House offered the batter a federal job if he would drop out of the race to first base.
Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was robbed of a perfect game Wednesday by umpire Jim Joyce. The ump showed up the next day in tears. His guide dog took a big chunk out of his ankle when he got home the night before and it was killing him.
Bud Selig upheld an ump’s missed call Friday which cost a Detroit Tigers rookie a perfect game. You cannot take the human element out of baseball or life. That’s why all the latest deep sea oil rigs come off the assembly line equipped with chapels.
The White House ruled out use of a nuclear bomb to plug the Gulf of Mexico oil leak Thursday. They shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the idea. It’s not enough to cook the shrimp in oil, you also have to microwave it and fly it out to the customers.
Al Gore left for California Friday after he separated from Tipper. No one with money should move here. The state is so desperate for revenue they send a car to pick you up at the airport and take you to the Franchise Tax Board for the free buffet.
The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will travel to India for an official state visit in early November. It’s a well thought out plan. He thinks if he’s far enough away on election night no one will be able to pin it on him.
Sir Paul McCartney performed at the White House Wednesday along with the Jonas Brothers, Herbie Hancock and Emmylou Harris. One thing stood out. The Arizona law doesn’t even take effect until late July and already there are no Hispanics in the show.
President Obama hosted Arizona Governor Jan Brewer at the White House Thursday to discuss the state’s new immigration law. They tried to work out their differences but the gap is large. She wants a wall on the southern border and he wants to host a beer summit on the White House lawn with Governor Brewer and the population of Mexico.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer demanded Thursday that the U.S. build a wall on the Mexican border. We’re a nation of immigrants where all is possible. If the West German immigrants built us a missile program, the East German immigrants can build us a wall.
Arizona’s Governor Brewer met President Obama at the White House Thursday. She envied the twenty-foot-high fence protecting the White House from intruders. At one time the fence was electrified but President Obama’s charisma isn’t what it used to be.
Argentina coach Diego Maradona said he will run naked through Buenos Aires if they win the World Cup. That’s scary. Just the report that coaches were going to start running naked in public after winning might have cost Mark Mangino his job at Kansas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.8.10

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