Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Pac Ten asked the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners to join the Pac Ten conference Monday. They don’t know they’re doing business with oil states. Pac Ten officials were educated in California and they all think that oil comes from pelicans.
Elton John performed at Rush Limbaugh’s lavish wedding reception in Boca Raton Saturday. He sang at Princess Diana’s funeral and Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. Ever since he started leaving his business cards in florist shops he hasn’t stopped working.
L.A. cops cornered and tasered porno star and murderer Steve Driver on a steep cliff Sunday and he plunged to his death. Local news covered it live. Nobody in L.A. even knew the Lakers were on til they saw the coroner watching the game on his iPhone.
Tiger Woods hit three spectators with golf shots during the final round of the Memorial on Sunday. Somehow he ended up three-under-par. It’s easy for Tiger Woods to keep score on each hole, he just looks back down the fairway and counts the wounded.
World Ocean Day marked the 100th anniversary of the birth of the famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau Monday. He wouldn’t recognize it today. When Jacques Cousteau explored the ocean it was an eco-system, today it’s an energy drink for cars.
President Obama flogged British Petroleum Friday and ran down the value of oil stocks. He destroyed bank stocks, now he’s going after oil stocks. Soon there won’t be a single company in the nation that pays dividends unless the OctoMom incorporates.
President Obama assured the Gulf States of better days ahead Monday. He stated he wants to use the oil spill to make the area better. Wages in the oil industry are so good that some people are actually making more money than government employees.
Sarah Palin ordered a wall built around her backyard to shield her family from the prying eyes of biographer Joe McGinniss. The woman must be living right. Ever since she started building that wall she’s gone up 10 points in the polls in Arizona.
Jeb Bush spoke to New York’s Republican Party state convention in Manhattan Friday and drew huge cheers. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. New York is an ethnic city and Jeb Bush is a very ethnic guy if you count Pilgrim as an ethnicity.
George W. Bush told a crowd in Grand Rapids Friday he waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and he’d do at again to save lives. He doesn’t care that the confession is inadmissible in court. He just enjoyed reliving Hell Week at his college fraternity.
Journal Psychology published a study Monday on the effects of the recession on daily habits. It says during the recession the average person has lost an hour of sleep a night. The good news is, when you’re not working you can take a nap in the afternoon.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent Queen Elizabeth a birthday greeting from the government of the United States Friday, but she sent it a week too soon. The memory is first to go. Hillary’s a Methodist and the Queen’s birthday is the second thing taught in Methodist confirmation class right after Arnold Palmer’s Golf Secrets.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.9.10

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