Argus Hamilton 6.15.10

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The World Cup took center stage Saturday when England played the United States to a one-one tie. The Americans scored when the English goalie let a U.S. kick slip right through his hands into the net. Everybody in Britain has got oil on their hands.
California teen Abby Sunderland was rescued in her sailboat in the Indian Ocean Sunday. Her disappearance cost the U.S. government a lot of money. President Obama has to buy commercial time to get on the cable networks whenever a young blonde girl goes missing.
South Carolina started a probe Monday into how Alvin Greene won the Democratic Senate nomination. He didn’t bother to campaign and he’s been arrested for showing pornography to a college girl. The guy acts like he’s been in office for 20 years.
Bel-Air Realtors sold a French Chateau for $50 million Friday. Let’s hope it’s a trend. In the last two years in Los Angeles the only time anyone made a killing in real estate was when a drunk shot a Jehovah’s Witness on his front porch.
The Weather Channel aired video of heavy flooding in Oklahoma City Monday. The president gave his standard reaction. You add that much water to an oil state which is populated overwhelmingly by people of British ancestry, and it becomes BP’s problem.
President Obama meets with British Petroleum officials Wednesday in Washington amid signs of progress. The oil company said they’re catching 600,000 gallons of oil a day. Who knew that ducks were even more absorbent than Bounty Towels.
President Obama urged American tourists to visit the Gulf Coast on his trip to Mississippi and Alabama Monday. An air of defeat hangs everywhere. The Sons of Confederate Veterans just granted diplomatic recognition to the Offspring of Oil Men.
The White House worked with BP to set up an escrow account to pay the Gulf damage claims Monday. Escrow is the place where the money is held until the deal is completed. In Chicago, that’s usually the left inside pocket of a senator’s suit coat.   
Hooters waitresses donated a hundred thousand pair of torn pantyhose to help Gulf beach workers absorb the oil spill Monday. The waitresses had been saving their torn pantyhose for the class action lawsuit. It’s what they wore to the job interview.
Moody’s downgraded Greece’s government bonds four notches to junk status Monday. Even that was being kind. No one wants to say that the paper is worthless, but Mr. Whipple was fired by Safeway Thursday for squeezing the Greek government bonds.
The Pentagon said Afghanistan is rich in lithium deposits which is the mineral used to power laptops and cellphones. Right on time. Every two years we try to fool the Afghans into believing that something’s going to make them more money than heroin.   
A California judge refused to suspend Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray’s license Monday. Why should he? Michael Jackson took any pain pill he wanted any time he wanted it, and today he is worth a billion dollars and he’s in no pain at all.
The FBI revealed Monday that Teddy, Bobby and Jack Kennedy held sex parties in the early Sixties. No one tattled on them and no one suffered. There was a time in this country when a Democrat could go to confession and that would be the end of it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.15.10

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