Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Gen. Stanley McChrystal was recalled Monday after he ripped President Obama in Rolling Stone magazine. That’s where this administration is different. Anytime a general wanted to send a message to President Bush he gave an interview to Sports Illustrated.
President Obama grappled with the oil spill and illegal aliens and Afghanistan all week. The workload’s getting to him. Last night he issued an order declaring amnesty for oil companies, a clean-up fund for Mexicans and BP has to pay for the war.
Gen. McChrystal told Rolling Stone magazine his soldiers don’t like the new rules of engagement in Afghanistan. Everyone’s top concern is to keep from inflaming the population. Six soldiers got medals for not starting a riot when the Lakers won Sunday.
L.A. Laker Ron Artest stole the show in Monday’s victory parade. Fans went wild when he thanked his psychiatrist for the anti-psychotic drugs. There’s no firm rule as to who is sane or who is insane, the definition is made by the people with the key.
Tiger Woods blamed bumpy greens for his slow start in the U.S. Open Thursday and he blamed his caddie for his weak finish Sunday. He’s cranky when he’s tired. Tiger Woods looks like he hasn’t gotten a good night’s sleep since he stopped sleeping around.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared again Monday without saying where he went. It’s very stressful being governor of South Carolina. The country looks to you for leadership on when to secede and the BlackBerry never stops buzzing.
The Mimosa Club in New Orleans said Monday its strippers asked BP for disaster aid, citing all the tip money the girls have lost in two months. The club doesn’t need the money. Last night a stripper twirled around the pole too fast and struck oil.
British Petroleum agreed Tuesday to try the oil-burning ship invented by Kevin Costner in the Gulf of Mexico. It’s been 60 days since since the eruption began. If this goes on for another month the Gulf of Mexico’s going to be due for an oil change.
The U.S. District Court in New Orleans overturned President Obama’s ban on deep water drilling Tuesday. Some shallow drilling is permitted. If the U.S. banned all drilling where’s it’s shallow, dentists wouldn’t be allowed to practice in Los Angeles.
President Obama got a letter from Southern senators Monday when it leaked that he’s planning a blanket parole for illegal aliens. The idea is unpopular everywhere. Charles Manson turned down parole six times because it could cost him his health care.
Mexico sued Arizona Monday over its new law to combat illegal immigration. The state is stressing the damage to the environment. Yesterday they took a photograph of a pelican covered with illegal aliens but they couldn’t get one newspaper to run it.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis urged illegal aliens Tuesday to contact her office if they aren’t being paid enough money. She promised to protect the lawbreakers from jail. It was so bold of President Obama to appoint the O.J. Simpson jury to his cabinet.
The Senate bowed to Hollywood studio pressure Monday and refused to allow Wall Street to conduct derivatives trading on box office receipts, which would have let investors bet on hit or flop. Too many people have influence over the outcome. The New York Times movie critic would be able to create money faster than the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.24.10

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