Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. soccer team beat Algeria while England was defeating Slovenia Wednesday and both nations advanced in the World Cup. The U.S. and England had to either win or go home. There is no option in soccer to stay for thirteen years and keep fighting.
Tom Cruise got great reviews for his comedy Knight and Day. His popularity was at a low. In his last movie Tom Cruise played the German officer who tried to kill Hitler and audiences were shouting out that the bomb’s under the conference table.
The Archbishop of Canterbury made plans to permit female bishops in the Church of England. Reaction was furious. The Augusta National Country Club just announced it would break away and form its own church rather than allow women to become members.
NFL receiver Steve Smith broke his arm Sunday playing in a co-ed flag football game. It’s a hot campus sport with mixed boy-girl teams. Flag football lets women discover the joy of playing football and teaches men some career-ending office skills.
The Center for Science in the Public Interest sued McDonald’s Tuesday saying Happy Meal toys unfairly lure children to come to the restaurant. They said McDonald’s is the stranger on the playground handing out candy to kids. NBC Dateline’s new series will be called To Catch a Clown.
General Stan McChrystal was fired by the president Wednesday over comments slamming the Obama administration. So there is a way to get U.S. troops out of Afghanistan. All they have to do is criticize President Obama and they’ll be on the next plane home.
President Obama insisted Wednesday that General McChrystal’s departure signals a change in personnel but not in policy. It’s a policy the president can call his own. Our purpose remains not to kill the Taliban but to register them to vote in Chicago.
The U.S. District Court in New Orleans Monday overturned the deep water drilling ban to huge public approval. Environmentalists have been dreading this moment. They knew it was only a matter of time before it dawned on everybody that it’s just a duck.
BP Chairman Tony Hayward was dragged over the coals Monday for attending yacht races in England during the gulf oil spill. Never pass up a chance to start a class war. If Democrats had their way, all yacht races would start a mile above Niagara Falls.
Jeb Bush ripped President Obama for blaming everything on his brother George W. Bush in a Wednesday interview. He called it childish. He tried it himself when he was ten years old but nobody believed that the Cuban Missile Crisis was George’s fault.
Rush Limbaugh refused a seven-figure IRS refund Monday stemming from an agency accounting mistake in his favor. The Obama administration knew what they were doing. As soon as Rush agreed to take the government’s money they were going to make him take a pay cut, forgive all the relatives who owe him money, and cancel his trips to Vegas.
The U.S. Border Patrol thwarted an attempt by a Mexican drug cartel on Monday to blow up a dam in Texas. It’s a turf war rooted in business. Not that many people know that the Battle of the Alamo was actually a dispute between drywall contractors.
Hillary Clinton flew by President Obama in popularity and job approval ratings Monday. Many Democrats are sorry they didn’t nominate the former first lady and now the military feel the same way. The movement for monarchy in America is gaining steam.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.28.10

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