Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Jackson was spotlighted for the anniversary of his death Saturday. When he died he was on Paxil, Zoloft, Valium, Xanax, Dilaudid, Demerol, Percosets and Propofol. He is believed to be the only person in history who descended to heaven.
Wimbledon featured John Isner winning the longest match in tournament history Thursday. It was over after eleven hours. It took a dozen trainers working with the Jaws of Life to bring him back to an upright position after he bowed to the Queen.
Lakers owner’s daughter Jeannie Buss said Monday she can’t get Phil Jackson to marry her. He’s a Methodist preacher’s son and now a practicing Buddhist. This combination allows people to enjoy watching his conscience each week on Animal Planet.
California voters were warned about the potency of today’s pot Tuesday as they considered November’s legalization ballot measure. Opponents say California voters will never legalize marijuana. Jerry Brown will be governor again before that happens.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis made a commercial promising to help illegal aliens get better wages. We all mean well. Americans don’t want their clothes sewn by underpaid Mexican migrants, they want them made by underpaid Chinese twelve-year-olds.
Arizona took a hit from the federal government Thursday when the U.S. Department of Education canceled a conference in Phoenix. These conferences showcase all the new textbooks. The maps in the new social studies books have no Israel and no Arizona.
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s confirmation hearings began Monday. She’ll be tough to block. Republicans have been going through past records looking for something disqualifying, but so far every golf scorecard she signed adds up correctly.
The White House press spokesman said Wednesday there is nothing wrong with the president playing golf while the oil spill is raging. You know Democrats. President Obama doesn’t think of it as playing golf, he thinks of it as promoting electric cars.
President Obama hosted Russian President Dimitri Medvedev Thursday. They agreed on poultry exports. Now that President Obama revealed the size of our nuclear arsenal the only way that we can play chicken with the Russians is with real chickens.
President Obama took Russian President Medvedev to Ray’s Hell Burger in Virginia Thursday. It got a bit messy. Halfway through lunch Joe Biden accidentally knocked over his iced tea and he demanded that BP send a team of experts to clean up the spill.
New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer will host a prime-time show with columnist Kathleen Parker on CNN. He resigned his office over a prostitute and she’s a conservative pundit. The ratings will be great until viewers realize they’re not arguing over price.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.29.10

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