Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The FBI busted a Russian spy ring operating in New York, New Jersey and Boston on Monday. The men-and-women Russian spy teams were disguised as American couples living in suburban homes. Their cover was blown when they paid their mortgage on time.
Toy Story Three trounced Tom Cruise at the box office Sunday, signaling the end of the superstar’s movie career. Cartoon characters now rule the world. The movie was financed by the Little Mermaid with her compensation check from British Petroleum.
The U.S. soccer team was eliminated by Ghana in the World Cup quarterfinals last weekend, repeating Ghana’s elimination victory over the U.S. four years ago. It was agonizing. Ghana has now ousted the U.S. two times, which breaks North Vietnam’s record.
Phil Jackson told the Western Governors Conference Sunday that he might retire for health reasons. He’s won five NBA titles in Los Angeles and he doesn’t want to push his luck. He was able to get home from the last one with only third-degree burns.
Marilyn Monroe’s chest x-rays were sold at auction in Las Vegas for forty-five thousand dollars Sunday. Back in the Fifties, women had their chests x-rayed and examined right in the doctor’s office. Today they generally get it done at the airport
The Supreme Court struck down Chicago’s handgun ban Monday, ruling Chicago must respect gun rights. There goes the neighborhood. Until now only the cops in Chicago could carry handguns, and as long as you slipped them a twenty they wouldn’t shoot you.
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan wrote a piece likening the NRA to the Ku Klux Klan. You can’t jump to conclusions. It’s just like these hotels who charge Klansman for sheets when they check out, just assuming that the ones they’re wearing are stolen.
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan cited her time as Bill Clinton’s White House counsel Monday. Being Bill Clinton’s legal adviser is like being Al Gore’s masseuse. It starts out as a professional relationship but it winds being your word against his.
Al Gore sent out a fundraising e-mail for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. He’s trying to capitalize on the masseuse’s accusations against him in the tabloids. Al wants to get his hands into Democrats’ pockets while her description of him in the police report as a sex-crazed poodle is still fresh in everyone’s minds.
General David Petraeus took over command in Afghanistan on Monday after General McChrystal was fired for calling the White House a bunch of clowns. The clowns are just the warm-up act for most Americans. We pay our taxes to see a Wild West Show.
Nancy Pelosi wrote Democratic donors Friday warning that a GOP win in November will destroy everything and give House Republicans subpoena power. No one party can get away with fooling all the people all the time. That’s why we have two parties.
Joe Biden swore at a Wisconsin ice cream vendor Sunday who asked him for lower taxes. The audio caught Joe calling him a vulgar name. If Joe had gone into the priesthood the church’s most embarrassing problem today would be microphone abuse.
New York’s new cigarette tax takes effect Wednesday which will raise the price of a pack of cigarettes sold in New York to eleven dollars. The banks are said to be upset. It’s even harder to foreclose on a pack of cigarettes than it is on a house.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.30.10

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