Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse opened huge in movie theaters Wednesday. A Colorado woman said she crashed her Chevy because she was fleeing a vampire. People who don’t drive Toyotas have to come up with original excuses for not hitting the brakes.
The London Sun said Monday that Elin Nordegren will get seven hundred and fifty million dollars in her divorce from Tiger Woods. At last he can get back to golf. He’s just hired a new swing coach who will teach him how to hit delete on his iPhone.
Oprah Winfrey continued losing viewers Tuesday when the Nielsen ratings showed she’s lost one-fourth of her audience. Her slide began when she took sides in the presidential election. Viewers cannot stand a talk show host who’s for tax increases.
The World Cup brought soccer fans from all over the world to South Africa this weekend. The quarterfinals included Germany and Paraguay and Uruguay and Brazil. For all the Nazi-hunters from the Simon Wiesenthal Center it was like a farmers market.
Elena Kagan wrapped up her Supreme Court confirmation hearing testimony Wednesday. She was careful not to risk revealing any of her personal opinions to any of the senators. Federal judge is the only lifetime job in government except for wife of Bill Clinton.
Elena Kagan said Wednesday she thought a law requiring three fruits and three vegetables a day for everyone would be a dumb law. Most Americans can’t afford three fruits and three vegetables. The only way you can get them for free is to bomb onstage.
The Justice Department dropped charges against the Black Panthers for standing in front of a polling place in Philadelphia, intimidating white voters as they approached and calling them crackers. The case was dropped on a technicality. Crackers don’t exist up at that latitude, north of Virginia you must address them as Butternuts.
Barack Obama waived the Jones Act Wednesday and let foreign ships into the Gulf of Mexico to help clean it up. Foreign ships have equipment that U.S. ships don’t have. There’s room for lots of cool stuff on deck when you don’t have to carry ICBMs.
Jacksonville Jaguars fans campaigned Tuesday to keep their team from moving to Los Angeles. Jacksonville just hasn’t worked out. They’ve had no luck filling the sideline folding chairs with movie stars no matter how much production has moved to Florida.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer slammed President Obama’s new border security plan Monday as the new immigration law began scaring Mexicans home to Mexico. The governor has learned two things since this controversy erupted. President Obama supports illegal immigration and Kaboom does an incredible job of getting rid of bathtub grime.
The U.S. Mint released a new depiction of Abe Lincoln on the U.S. penny Monday. It shows Abe as a boy sitting on a log and studying a textbook. The Teachers Union is furious at the U.S. mint for advertising that you can get a better education without them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.2.10

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