Posted: Wednesday, July 7, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The History Channel began filming a mini-series called The Kennedys with Greg Kinnear as Jack Kennedy. They spared no expense for accuracy. They used the Library of Congress, six biographies, and archive footage from Girls Gone Wild-Palm Beach Edition.
Germany destroyed two teams in the World Cup last week, sending their fans into a patriotic frenzy at Capetown Stadium. After each victory the buzzing vuvuzela horns were drowned out by a far more frightening sound. The Germans are singing again.
SeaWorld at San Diego reported huge crowds on July Fourth to see the killer whale show. A few months ago Shamu killed its female trainer during a show. Investigators think the motive for the gulf oil spill might have been revenge on the whale’s family.
BP officials started cutting checks Monday to gulf residents adversely affected by the spill. Don’t say the oil company has no heart. Just yesterday BP announced it will not charge the pelicans for the cost of removing their feathers from the oil.
GOP chairman Michael Steele faced calls to resign from GOP lawmakers Sunday after he called Afghanistan Obama’s war of choice. No one can dispute he’s done his job. His job is to demonstrate that all Republican lawmakers have at least one black friend.
Queen Elizabeth II flew to New York Tuesday to address the U.N. and lay a wreath at Ground Zero. She’s checking on the Colonies to see if we’re having any second thoughts. These third party candidates always turn up whenever a president looks weak.
NASA head Charles Bolden said Barack Obama told him to assure the Muslim world of their contributions in space. It’s so true. If it hadn’t been for al-Qaeda our technological advances in robotic weaponry would have stopped when we won the Cold War.
Joe Biden survived mortar fire in the U.S. Embassy in Iraq Sunday. He was urging the rivals to find common ground and it worked. At the end of the visit the vice president and the two rivals conducted a joint news conference and blamed George Bush.
President Obama blamed the previous administration for the huge budget deficit Monday which could force him to raise taxes next year. It may be time to panic. As long as you still have a healthy spare kidney, President Obama thinks you are rich.
President Obama lauded the Declaration of Independence Sunday. He urged people to live by the nation’s founders’ principles. He thinks if he comes out in favor of no taxes and slave labor he has a chance of hanging onto his House majority this fall.
President Obama hosted a barbecue for the U.S. Armed Forces on the White House lawn on July Fourth, where he ate burgers, fries, hot dogs and corn on the cob. He had a ball. The great thing about being president is, you have the entire U.S. military to defend you from your wife whenever you decide to eat what you want on the holidays.
Joey Chestnut won New York’s annual hot dog eating contest Sunday, sponsored by Major League Eating. He ate fifty-four dogs in ten minutes as thousands cheered. Anthropologists might say that man is the apex of creation, but they grade on a curve.
New York wilted in heat Sunday as high waves pummeled all three coastlines. It was all so avoidable. The Portland masseuse’s friends warned her if she accused Al Gore of sexual assault, global warming would destroy the earth, and now it’s happening.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.7.10