Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lindsay Lohan went to Beverly Hills jail for drunk driving Tuesday. She dodged drug charges because cops accidentally threw the cocaine in her car onto someone’s front yard on Sunset. It’s the only lot in California that went up in value last year.
The Eastern Seaboard baked under a record-setting heat wave Monday. The timing is no accident. Now that Al Gore’s accused of cheating with Larry David’s wife and sexually assaulting a massage therapist, global warming feels like it can run unopposed.
Senator Robert Byrd’s niece surprised mourners at his funeral Tuesday by saying he told her he was dyslexic. No one knew that. So it turns out the only reason Robert Byrd joined the KKK was because he mis-read it thinking he was joining the KKK.
Iran’s High Court sentenced a forty-three-year-old Iranian woman to be stoned to death for committing adultery. That’s so barbaric. If United States law allowed for the stoning of adulterers Tiger Woods would never play Pebble Beach again.
NASA head Charles Bolden said President Obama told him to use NASA as a way to make Muslims feel good about themselves. The president has an agenda. He wants to put an end to the image of the NASA space program being a bunch of white guys who play golf on the moon.
President Obama met with Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday at the White House. Obama told reporters afterwards that America’s bond with Israel is unbreakable. He doesn’t like to admit defeat but he’s tried everything he can think of.
Iceland officials drilled through Bobby Fischer’s buried coffin to extract DNA from the corpse to settle a paternity claim. It’s risky. The gulf spill might never have happened if an oilman hadn’t been trying to prove his father was Long John Silver.
The Justice Department filed suit against Arizona’s immigration law Tuesday. It is tricky to enforce. Cheech and Chong got a ticket in Yuma last night and when police asked them for their papers all they could produce were Zig Zags and EZ Widers.
Hispanics asked Major League Baseball to move the 2011 All-Star Game out of Phoenix to protest Arizona’s new immigration law. The law complicates the game. A coach has to make sure that a player’s papers are in order before he flashes the steal sign.
The White House likened local resistance to the Arizona immigration law to the civil rights demonstrations of the Sixties. The president believes that Hispanics and blacks are on the same page. This is a guy who obviously has never been in prison.
Spain opened bullfighting season in Madrid Wednesday, drawing bullfighting fans and animal rights protesters. Blood sports are under heavy criticism in Europe. Hundreds of people were trampled in Athens last month during the Running of the Banks.
TSA workers were blocked Tuesday from accessing political opinion websites on their computers at airports. Porno is allowed. It’s part of the job to study what body parts look like so you’ll recognize them in the body scanner and not think they’re grenades.
Libyan doctors said Monday the Lockerbie bomber who said he had terminal cancer to get released by Britain last year isn’t as sick as he said. The doctors say he’ll live another ten years. Some people have no faith in the British Secret Service.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.8.10

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