Posted: Friday, July 9, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NASA’s Charles Bolden caused a storm in an interview with al-Jazeera Tuesday. He said President Obama ordered him to use NASA to recognize Muslim contributions to space travel. It’s a nice break from recognizing their contributions to airline travel.
Lindsay Lohan got a ninety-day jail sentence in Beverly Hills Tuesday because she didn’t attend her courses in alcohol education. She didn’t need the classes. You don’t need to know how to mix a Sazerac if you drink vodka straight out of the bottle.
BP CEO Tony Heyward met oilmen in the Mideast Wednesday and put to rest rumors he’s being fired over the gulf spill. He’s a geologist with a well-publicized record of finding oil. He’s much in demand in countries who could care less about birds.
Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva threatened Tuesday to release pictures of herself with two teeth knocked out. Every year he gets angrier. Mel went over the edge when someone tried to cast him as William Shatner’s father in a new pilot.
The Justice Department refused Wednesday to prosecute Black Panthers for voter intimidation in Philly. There was incriminating video evidence. The Attorney General almost filed charges but when he found out that BP stood for Black Panthers he dropped the case.
President Obama made a recess appointment of socialist Dr. Don Berwick to head Medicare. He wants the life expectancy of rich and poor to be the same. That means giving expensive medicine to the poor and cutting the rich down to nine holes per day.
Al and Tipper Gore released a statement Mon-day saying they won’t attend Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. It would have been awkward. Al has been embarrassed by two sex accusations in a month and that’s an honor being reserved for the father of the bride.
Iran’s High Court sentenced a woman to be stoned to death for adultery Tuesday, citing Muslim law. The law is open to interpretation. Tiger Woods never goes to the West Bank because he doesn’t know if the rock throwing is for him or the Israelis.
Tiger Woods was asked by Irish reporters Monday if his womanizing was worth all it’s cost him. The reporter wasn’t being nosy. He was just tired of the lying on Internet user reviews and wanted to know if these hostesses are worth what they charge.
President Obama’s grandma Sarah Hussein Obama said in the Globe she was in the delivery room when he was born in Kenya. The White House said they don’t comment on tabloid reports. That’s certainly a strategy that worked for John Edwards and Al Gore.
Louisiana adopted a law Tuesday letting Louisianans carry guns into church. It is good to have guns in the sanctuary. Protestants will feel more secure in their liberties and the Catholic Church won’t lose any property in future abuse settlements.
The European Union banned Iran Air’s jetliners from flying to Europe Wednesday because of safety concerns. The concerns are very real. The airline is in so much debt that their planes could be shot down by the bondholders for the insurance money.
A Harvard study says men who use Viagra have three times the normal STD rate. It’s from dating young gold diggers. They’re looking for security and the older the man is, the less likely that Social Security will run out of money while she’s dating him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.9.10