Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel showed triple-digit heat for the third straight day on the Eastern Seaboard Wednesday. The misery index soared. It was so hot in Washington D.C. that Al Gore sexually assaulted the woman he hired to fan him on his massage table.
Lindsay Lohan got 90 days in jail in Beverly Hills for violating her drunk-driving probation. She will be behind bars for only three weeks because the jails are so full. Australia started out as a prison colony but California has evolved into one.
The Texas Rangers will be put up for public auction next week to try to get the team’s bankruptcy plan OKed. The creditors aren’t fooling around. The minimum bid is $500 million, and they will only accept gold bars or Confederate currency.
Lindsay Lohan was ordered Tuesday to begin her 90-day jail sentence in 10 days. No one will miss her. Anytime you want to see Lindsay Lohan all you have to do is turn on Fox News and one of her stunt doubles is sitting behind the anchor desk.
The Justice Department filed a suit over Arizona’s immigration law Tuesday. They had no choice. The Arizona law has legal precedent, public support and common sense on its side, but if we’re only going to have rational laws the Democrats are finished.
President Obama avoided confirmation hearings with a recess appointment of Dr. Don Berwick to head Medicare and Medicaid Tuesday. The doctor favors rationing care for old people and the poor. It was so brave of Robert Byrd to be his first volunteer.
Bill Clinton excused Robert Byrd’s Ku Klux Klan activity in his funeral eulogy saying it’s what poor men did to get elected in West Virginia. Bob never forgot his past. He returned to Wheeling every year to cut the ribbon at the January white sales.
President Nixon was revealed in declassified papers Thursday to have considered the nuclear bombing of North Korea 40 years ago, which would have wiped North Korea off the map. How ferocious was Richard Nixon? It was Dick Cheney who talked him out of it.
Levi Johnston apologized to Sarah Palin for lying about her Monday in a People magazine interview. It worked out. He chose to apologize in People magazine because it was the only magazine that would interview him and it’s the only magazine she reads.
President Obama toured the Smith Electric Vehicle plant located in Kansas City Thursday and he predicted future success. It’s every politician’s role to pretend that one day Americans will drive electric cars. Drama critics call it Suzuki Theater.
Sen. Harry Reid’s campaign in Nevada was boosted by television ads paid for by the pharmaceutical industry. They all helped out. It’s the biggest listing of drugmakers in one place since the toxicology report on Michael Jackson was made public.
Iran’s High Court sentenced an Iranian woman Tuesday to be stoned to death for adultery. That’s why half of Iran has moved to Beverly Hills. In Iran people commit adultery and get stoned while in Beverly Hills people get stoned add commit adultery.
The Justice Department refused to prosecute Black Panthers who were caught on tape intimidating white voters in Philly, freeing any paramilitary group to patrol polling places. Soon every polling place will be a stand-off between the Black Panthers and Klansmen. It’s piracy to perform Mel Brooks movies without his permission.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.12.10

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