Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD —‚ God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House swapped 10 captured spies to Russia Wednesday in exchange for four captured U.S. spies jailed in Moscow. It doesn’t inspire confidence. This White House can’t even swap spies without running up a 60 percent deficit in the exchange.
LeBron James made an ESPN event out of his NBA team selection Thursday. He had to choose wisely. Last year a football player signed with the Panthers and flew to Carolina only to find himself standing in front of a polling place holding a stick.
Florida Gov. Charlie Crist offered a state constitutional amendment to ban offshore oil drilling forever off Florida Thursday. The spill is starting to hit Florida where it lives. Yesterday a bale of black cocaine washed up onto the beach.
Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in Beverly Hills jail Tuesday after skipping treatment. The actresses’s contention that she misunderstood the terms of her probation fell on deaf ears. The judge tossed her in jail and threw away the kilo.
Tiger Woods arrived in Scotland Monday to get ready for the British Open at St. Andrews. They love him there. When the Scots read that Tiger Woods saved money by making his mistresses fly Southwest to meet him, they adopted him as one of their own.
Oakland Raiders washout JaMarcus Russell was arrested in a Texas drug sting on Monday for possession of liquid codeine. He claimed he was using it for medicinal purposes. Two hours after he was arrested he coughed up $10,000 for bail.
President Obama told Israeli TV viewers Wednesday the reason they distrust him is because his middle name is Hussein. That’s unfair. Jewish people haven’t judged anybody by his middle name since they found out Adolf Hitler’s middle name was Irving.
Commerce Secretary Gary Locke revealed the new U.S. trade policy Friday. He introduced a plan that will double the number of U.S. exports to other countries in the next two years. We are going to turn Mexico around and make it face the other way.
The Justice Department asked a judge to halt Arizona’s immigration law Tuesday on foreign policy grounds. It’s also about values. The White House believes that America will always be the land of the free, the home of the brave and every Mexican’s Plan B.
Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer canceled the Border Gover-nors Conference in Phoenix Thursday after the six Mexican governors threatened to boycott. It surprised the other U.S. governors planning to attend. Arnold Schwarzenegger had already had his staffers print up copies of his naturalization papers to hand out to the Phoenix cops.
Iran’s High Court ordered an Iranian woman stoned for adultery last week. She’s already had 99 lashes. Republican National Committee members promised to come to Iran with contributions if they will reveal the nightclub where she is working.
Tipper Gore said Friday she does not believe Al assaulted a masseuse. She left him for other reasons. Every time they would fly together, his Oscar, Emmy and Nobel Prize would fall out of the overhead compartment during turbulence and crack her skull.
Whale Wars star Pete Bethune was deported by Japan after he attacked a whaling ship in the Pacific. Whale migration patterns change over the years. This year they’re migrating to the Gulf of Mexico to get fueled up for the summer driving season.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.13.10

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