Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The World Cup ended in a fireworks show in South Africa Sunday. The whole idea of the event is to promote goodwill and human brotherhood. Mel Gibson kept his TV unplugged for the entire tournament, which really helped the clarity of the audiotapes.
Mel Gibson was taped using racist language Friday when he berated his wife for wearing a sexy dress in public. He’s made anti-Semitic rants and he’s beaten Jesus to a bloody pulp. Saudi Arabia just announced they’re going to name a law school after him.
The William Morris Agency dropped Mel Gibson Saturday after he was caught on audiotape using racist language and screaming at his wife about her breast implants. The town is outraged. You cannot criticize fake breasts and expect to work in Los Angeles.
A Swiss judge freed Roman Polanski, letting him avoid facing the statutory rape charges in L.A. that he fled from thirty years ago. It was a sick era. Seducing teenage girls with drugs was so casual in the ’70s that it was a weekly segment on the American Sportsman.
The White House stated Monday the administration is going to focus on lowering unemployment. We know what this means. The next time there’s a job opening in the private sector, President Obama’s going to announce it in an hour-long special on ESPN.
LeBron James revealed in a televised event on ESPN Thursday that he had chosen to play in Miami over New York or Chicago. This isn’t over. Rush Limbaugh could be banned from all NBA locker rooms for providing players with performance-enhancing tax advice.
Attorney General Eric Holder threatened to file a civil rights suit against Arizona if his first lawsuit doesn’t successfully block the new immigration law. He vowed to keep suing until he wins. It’s question No. 3 on the Gamblers Anonymous self-test.
The White House declared a new ban on gulf drilling Monday after filing a suit against Arizona’s new immigration law. Democrats don’t want to do anything to stop the flow of immigrants and Republicans don’t want to do anything to stop the flow of oil. Anyone who disagrees with either side is accused by the other of being a spigot.
The Census Bureau said hundreds of census workers have been attacked by people who didn’t want to be counted. It’s simple to get an accurate tally. You just count the number of pit bulls and divide by three, and that’s how many meth labs you report.
Oakland suffered burning and looting Thursday after an L.A. jury reduced a cop’s murder charge. Anarchists arrived from Berkeley and smashed store windows while the locals did all the looting. When races work together, that’s when they get things done.
U.S. Marine units were reported Monday to have been trained by the LAPD to learn how to handle the Taliban as if they were a street gang. It hasn’t worked out very well. Now everywhere the Marines go in Afghanistan they think the doughnuts are free.
Fidel Castro warned Monday the United States and Iran are heading for nuclear war. Cuba was the last country to have a nuclear standoff with the United States. Now Fidel Castro has to hang around Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the way that Roger Maris’s family had to hang around Mark McGwire, waiting to congratulate the new record holder.
Bill Clinton officiated at the wedding of Hillary Clinton’s aide to a New York congressmen Sunday. Al Gore is getting divorced, John Edwards is getting divorced and Bill Clinton is officiating at wedding ceremonies. Nobody knew that the bridge to the 21st century would drop us off in the middle of a Twilight Zone episode.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.14.10

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