Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
N.Y. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner died in a Tampa hospital Tuesday. His sons ordered no heroic measures. That’s what they decided after the doctor gave them the bad news that the estate tax goes up from zero to fifty-five percent on January first.
Mel Gibson was recorded shouting a racist rant at his Russian wife which aired Monday. She hid a microphone in her earrings. How could a man who’s lived through all the social progress over the last forty years forget that all Russians are spies?
Roman Polanski was freed by a Swiss court Monday, letting him duck extradition to California for a drug and underage sex trial in L.A. The trial would have seized world headlines. There goes Mel Gibson’s last chance to look employable by comparison.
Arizona highway officials turned off speed cameras Tuesday which were designed to catch speeding drivers on roads. They can’t recognize the drivers. The cameras were set to over-expose so that everyone looks equally white and nobody gets deported.
Jesse Jackson accused Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert of treating LeBron James like a runaway slave Monday after the star left Cleveland for Miami. How ridiculous. A runaway slave would never run south to Miami, he’d run north to Toronto.
BP workers tightened the new cap on the gulf leak Tuesday. Petroleum engineers began what they call a test of the well’s integrity. They’re going to wave twenty billion dollars in front of the well and see if it lies about its income from fishing.
Michelle Obama urged Americans to vacation in the Gulf Coast this week although the first family is vacationing in Maine. It’s no surprise. Everyone who has no exit strategy from Iraq and Afghanistan gets a discount on vacation rentals in Maine.
BP was criticized by U.S. senators Tuesday for being the biggest supplier of oil to the Pentagon while at the same time refining oil into gasoline for Iran. They are on both sides of the next world war. It’s a trick they learned from Goldman-Sachs.
Barefoot Bandit Colton Harris-Moore was caught in a boat chase in the Bahamas on Monday after a two year burglary spree. The teen has eighty thousand Facebook fans. He was suspected of every major burglary in the last two years except the AIG bailout.
General Motors announced plans Monday to pay back its bailout loan in full and end federal supervision over GM. It will open a huge new car market. No one in Los Angeles will buy a GM car because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation.
The State Department denied Tuesday that they abducted the Iranian nuclear scientist who turned up at the Pakistani Embassy in Washington D.C. demanding to be flown home to Iran. Hillary Clinton promptly sent him packing. There is a first time for everything.
Jerusalem archaeologists found a four-thousand-year-old clay fragment which bears the oldest example of writing ever found there. The fragment is inscribed You, Them and Later. It’s just evidence of how long the peace process has been stalled.
The White House denied Monday that NASA head Charles Bolden was tasked by President Obama to use NASA to make Muslims feel better about themselves, as he’d said Friday in two interviews. That would make the head of our space program a serial liar. This only encourages people who think the moon landing happened on a sound stage in Culver City.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.15.10

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