Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The British Open at St. Andrews featured brutal weather last weekend. This year the British Open was renamed The Open. They took out the word British because they didn’t want the entire purse to go to unemployed fishermen in the Gulf of Mexico.
Lindsay Lohan hired O.J. Simpson’s lawyer Robert Shapiro Thursday, who put her in rehab. We know how this ends. She’s going to be acquitted and five years from now she’ll be arrested in a Las Vegas hotel room for trying to steal back her paraphernalia.
Brett Favre told reporters Sunday he’d like to play NFL football this fall but injuries have him considering retirement. The quarterback says the same thing every July just like clockwork. He’s broken so many records he’s starting to sound like one.
Erin Andrews sued the man who secretly videotaped her with a peephole camera while she was nude in hotel rooms. It extended her career and made her more popular than ever. Barack Obama just invited the Peeping Tom to tape him through the Oval Office windows.
President Obama named his chef a Senior Policy Adviser for Healthy Food Initiatives on Friday. He felt it imperative to give the chef a promotion outside of the kitchen. He’s president of the United States and he shouldn’t have to eat rabbit food.
Senate Republicans vowed to repeal a financial reform bill passed by Democrats Thursday. It doesn’t fix the original problem of risky mortgages. The prettiest homes in Los Angeles were built on bluffs because no one ever asked to see a tax return.
BP capped the gushing well in the Gulf of Mexico Thursday. It was a victory of business and government. The oil company was able to go a mile underwater and shut off the well and the president was able to shave three strokes off his golf score.
President Obama warned Thursday that BP’s capping of the well was merely a good start. The spill didn’t hurt only the president in the polls. Birds and fish were shocked to hear they trail Dick Cheney in personal favorability ratings by ten points.
BP capped the gulf well Thursday, relieving concern for America’s wildlife. Our animal kingdom was at stake. There was a lot of fear the oil spill would cause all the Rabbits, Thunderbirds, Jaguars, Mustangs, Barracudas and Stingrays to go electric.
Louisiana politicians claimed Friday the successful BP cap was a hoax and that oil companies are screwing the planet. That’s not true. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that the most frequently-used character’s name in porno movies is Derrick.
Congress advanced a bill Friday that touts Michelle Obama’s bid to rid schools of soda pop machines. She calls nutrition a national security issue. Kids are going to be too fat to draft when the next war starts and Arizona could secede any day now.
Iranians held massive protests Friday over the Iranian parliament’s proposal to raise income taxes. It changed perceptions. For thirty years Republicans have looked at Iranians as enemies, heathens and hostage-takers but never until now as kindred souls.
Mel Gibson was heard on tape Friday screaming at his Russian lover that he was broke. It was shocking news. He made a billion dollars four years ago from his movie about whipping Jesus and surprisingly after that his investments didn’t work out.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.21.10

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