Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mel Gibson began filming a new movie in New York Monday amid signs of personal improvement in his troubled condition. The actor went without unleashing a verbal rant against black people, Latinos, Jews and women for three days. The cap is holding.
George Steinbrenner was eulogized at Yankee Stadium Sunday by players and Wall Streeters alike. The boss was a maniac about winning to the last day of his life. Only George Steinbrenner could take on death and taxes and come out of it with a draw.
An L.A. judge ordered Frank and Jamie McCourt Friday to sell the Dodgers if they can’t pay their lawyers. They bought four L.A. mansions at the top of the real estate boom. Now they’re so far underwater you can watch the divorce trial on the BP website.
Washington D.C. government workers and lobbyists and journalists were polled about their outlooks on America Monday. The polls show the D.C. elite think the president’s doing a great job, the economy’s improving and the president will be re-elected. Most people can’t get this high without a celebrity doctor and a prescription for Propofol.
The White House made plans Monday to send the National Guard to Arizona’s border next month. The troops will have desk jobs. Now they just have to figure out how to get two hundred thousand illegal aliens a year to stop at the desk on their way in.
Bill Clinton revealed his Bucket List of things he’d like to do before he dies. He said he wants to live to see his own grandchildren. The trouble is, he can’t get past the farmhouse gates without some angry father threatening to shoot him.
Hillary Clinton awarded Pakistan a huge U.S. aid grant at a Central Asian summit in Kabul Monday. We want nothing in return. The U.S. gave up trying to extract Osama bin Laden from Pakistan after we couldn’t even extract Roman Polanski from Switzerland.
Prime Minister David Cameron flew to Washington D.C. Tuesday for his first White House visit. It’s tense. The last British prime minister to sit in the Oval Office was sent back to the British Embassy in a box and replaced with a bust of Abe Lincoln.
Tea Party chief Mark Williams was bounced for posting a letter to Abe Lincoln from black people asking Abe to reverse emancipation because freedom’s too much work. It’s an honest mixup. It’s actually a letter from his own kids asking him to pay for graduate school.
Washington D.C. was shaken by a minor earthquake Friday which rattled government buildings for thirty seconds. Seismologists say they had no idea there’s a fissure in the earth running beneath the capital. Democrats immediately named it Bush’s Fault.
The White House decided Sunday to defend the new health care law’s insurance mandate as a tax. It forces you to buy an insurance policy from a private company, and it’s enforced by the IRS. If Paul Revere rode tonight he’d be warning the townspeple of Lexington and Concord that the British health care system is coming.
Spain opened bullfight season at stadiums in Madrid Sunday while animal rights protesters demonstrated outside. The sport is more humane nowadays. The drama in the ring can’t commence until the bull has completely filled out his organ donor card.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.21.10

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