Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lindsay Lohan went to jail Tuesday for violating the terms of her probation. She blew off her alcohol classes and tested positive on her ankle monitor. Joe Biden’s been going around calling this the Summer of Recovery and he’d like to be right just once.
L.A. sheriffs investigated Mel Gibson Tuesday to see if he chipped the front tooth of his Russian girlfriend. It won’t end. His racist and sexist rants are getting so much airplay on the radio that people are starting to dance to them at hip-hop clubs.
Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant tied for first place in a poll asking Americans to name their favorite athlete. It appears that sexual misconduct makes a sports star more popular and marketable. LeBron James has just hired Al Gore to be his life coach.
The National Enquirer reported Monday that two more massage therapists accused Al Gore of sexually assaulting them when they came to his hotel room. He says their stories are not true. All he did was take off his towel to show them his weather vane.
Glenn Beck said Tuesday he’s been diagnosed with macular dystrophy which could eventually blind him. This is very bad news for Democrats. The only thing that scares liberals more than Glenn Beck is Glenn Beck with a German shepherd at his side.
Great Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron was a hit speaking to White House tourists Tuesday. He said he loves America and everything it’s done for the world. So there are some differences he has with President Obama which can never be bridged.
President Obama thanked the Senate for extending unemployment benefits to jobless Americans. He was sincere. He’s grateful that members of his administration won’t have to go on food stamps between the time they’re fired and the time they’re rehired.
The White House forced a black Agriculture Department employee to resign Tuesday over racism charges although she was clearly innocent. It’s another historic first for President Obama. He could be the first Democratic president to lose England, Israel and the black vote.
The Statue of Liberty in New York was evacuated Wednesday when an alarm went off falsely indicating the presence of smoke. It was misinterpreted. The alarm in the Statue of Liberty goes off whenever President Obama signs a law taking over something.
President Obama signed the Financial Reform Bill into law Wednesday. He looked relieved when he signed it. An amendment was slipped into the bill at the last second saying that anyone who’s too big to fail is automatically re-elected president.
House Minority leader John Boehner warned fellow GOP congressmen to keep their distance from female lobbyists as elections approach. There are campaign laws to consider. If they’re selling their votes for sex they can’t sell their votes for cash.
The Energy Department announced a crackdown on luxury showerheads that exceed government standards. This is how Democrats think. Only the wealthy can afford high pressure showerheads and they have enough money without striking oil in the bathroom.
The American Petroleum Institute said that oil companies will pool one billion dollars to form a company to respond to oil spills. They’re trying to improve their image. The money will finance a study that shows that solar energy causes skin cancer.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.23.10

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