Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Treasury Department announced Friday it will auction millions of shares of Citigroup stock which the U.S. government acquired in the bailout. The first stock sale was very lucrative for the government. The Treasury Department made so much money on the sale they just hired a lawyer to figure out a way around the capital gains tax.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il threatened to attack U.S. troops if the U.S. doesn’t end sanctions. He’s such a child. For his last birthday Iran gave him chemical weapons but you could tell by the look on his face when he opened it that he already has some.
Congressman Charlie Rangel was cited by the House Ethics Committee Thursday for numerous charges. Investigators stalked him for two years. No one wants to say he’s a dead duck but last week he covered himself in oil and stretched out on a gulf beach.
L.A. sheriffs began investigating Mel Gibson’s Russian ladyfriend for extorting him over the racist rants she taped. It’s very obvious on the tapes she’s setting him up. Her acting is so lousy she was just awarded a Razzie Award for Domestic Abuse.
Washington D.C. fired two hundred teachers Friday for incompetence. Student test scores still show promise. These kids don’t know the first thing about U.S. history but they can tell you how many grams there are in an ounce faster then Stephen Hawking.
President Obama went on ABC News Friday and he blamed Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack for firing USDA official Shirley Sherrod. It got the laugh. Nobody believes that a former Iowa governor ordered a black female career official pulled over in her car and fired without a hearing, but it’s a lot more plausible than blaming Bush.
Democratic Senators Ben Nelson, Evan Bayh, and Byron Dorgan urged the party to keep the Bush tax cuts Friday. It’s about November. White guys in blue suits have a setting on their GPS which tells them when they are approaching the Little Big Horn.
Mad Men’s lead character Don Draper was voted the world’s most influential man in Ask Men’s online poll. The 1960s ad executive drinks a lot, smokes, sleeps around, and has a great job with benefits. The year’s hottest Christmas gift is a time machine.
L.A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt’s divorce trial was set to begin this month with both parties low on cash. The uncertainty is starting to affect team play. Last night two Dodger runners held up at third base until their checks cleared.
Pete Rose auctioned off the baseball bat he used to get his final base hit for one hundred and sixty-eight thousand dollars Thursday. Don’t think today’s players didn’t notice. The New York Yankees bat boy now insists on being addressed as curator.
Nevada GOP Senator John Ensign was investigated Friday for bribing a mistress’s husband with a lobbying job. His roommate Senator Tom Coburn is cooperating with FBI agents. He is also in big trouble with Republican conservatives for living with a man.
President Obama will vacation on the Gulf Coast in August despite the anger at him locally. They say he ruined tourism, then laid off oil workers. At the rate he’s destroying the South it’s just a matter of time before he frees the illegal immigrants.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.27.10

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