Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Jackson’s video supplier revealed his nightly TV viewing schedule. Each night he watched a Hitler documentary followed by the Judy Garland Show. If you were following the recipe for fried brains, this would be the point where you add the wine.
ESPN beauty Erin Andrews promoted an anti-stalking bill in Congress. A stalker photographed her nude with a peephole camera and posted the photos online. She may be just average as a sports reporter but she’s sold more computers than Michael Dell.
Sports Illustrated released its list of top-earning athletes Monday and listed Tiger Woods as the top earner. The exact figure varies. Tiger Woods made ninety million dollars last year, or as Elin Nordegren calls it, eighty-five million dollars.
John Kerry and his wife bought a seven-million-dollar yacht in New Zealand and docked it in Rhode Island to avoid Massachusetts taxes. The couple named the yacht The Isabel. In an effort to win the Hispanic vote they named it after the housekeeper.
Arizona’s illegal aliens packed up Monday and prepared to flee the state ahead of Sunday’s crackdown law. It caused an uproar in Washington. New Mexico congressmen want the census started over again so they’ll get credit for all the new constituents.
BP’s board fired CEO Tony Hayward Monday for mismanaging the oil spill. The guy is a trained geologist whose job is to discover oil. Anyone who thinks Tony Hayward didn’t do his job must think that the Gulf of Mexico is covered by Hershey’s chocolate syrup.
The White House blamed its firing of Shirley Sherrod on the hysteria generated by cable news reporting Sunday. All news is shaped for partisan purposes nowadays. Last week Fox News reported that Lindsay Lohan went to jail for Driving While Kennedy.
Shirley Sherrod’s husband Charles was caught on tape Monday saying blacks must stop white men and their Uncle Toms from stealing black House seats. This tape is trouble. Shirley’s going to kill him when she finds out he’s got a Russian girlfriend.
Florida reported nineteen deaths this year from the mosquito-borne virus called Dengue Fever that’s similar to malaria. It came from South America. Democrats are so grateful to have an explanation for Obama Fatigue that has nothing to do with race.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke publicly advised the White House Sunday to extend the Bush tax cuts. The White House is furious at him. Ben Bernanke’s Secret Service code name is Cochise because the government can’t keep him on the reservation.
Michelle Obama announced plans Tuesday to fly to Spain for a visit to King Juan Carlos next week. Madrid will be good for her. After eighteen months in the White House she’d just like to sit back and enjoy the relative bloodless calm of a bullfight.
Joe Biden traveled to Yellowstone National Park Monday to give a speech to the park employees. There were hundreds of tourists in the crowd. People came from all over the country to see Old Faithful spew, and after the speech they watched a geyser.
Jeb Bush was reported Monday considering a run for president in two years. The news brought widespread relief. This is the moment in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy wakes up after her dream and realizes that there is no place like hereditary monarchy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.29.10

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