Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Southern California broke out in brushfires when Santa Ana winds blew into Los Angeles and ignited dry brush Wednesday. The winds came from Arizona. It was the breeze from all the illegal immigrants making a U-turn the moment the Arizona law was stayed.
Arizona hotels and resorts were reported Wednesday doing booming business this summer. The boycotts failed. Pollsters were astounded to learn that hotel guests would rather make their own beds than give illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship.
Democratic congressmen led by Dennis Kucinich bolted Tuesday and voted against Afghan war funding. The anti-war left could destroy the Obama administration. The TSA has put Jane Fonda on the no-fly list just to make sure she can’t get to Kandahar.
Florida Marlins star Chris Coghlan tore a ligament in his left knee while giving a teammate a pie in the face during a post-game interview. The timing is terrible. It’s another reason for Michelle Obama to come out against rich desserts.
President Obama was in New York on Wednesday to tape The View and welcome back Barbara Walters to the show. She rushed back from surgery to be there. Barbara is sick of aspiring talk show hosts sneaking into the studio to audition for her job.
President Obama’s appearance on ABC’s morning talk show The View aired nationwide on Thursday. He loves to do daytime television. Next week he’s going on the Jerry Springer Show where old girlfriends from Kenya will accuse him of being a deadbeat dad.
The Coast Guard said the oil spill is vanishing in the Gulf of Mexico because ocean microbes ate up oil faster than the oil well could spill it. The microbes cleaned up the problem. Think of the debt we could have avoided two years ago if George W. Bush had only thought of throwing subprime mortgages into the Gulf of Mexico.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a law Wednesday making Ronald Reagan’s birthday an official California holiday. Republicans had to pinch themselves. It’s the first time anything in California’s been named after a white guy since Disneyland.
Chelsea Clinton enjoyed a lavish wedding in suburban New York Saturday. The family spent two hundred thousand dollars on security guards and it turned out to be a smart idea. Not once did the father of the bride get near the bridesmaids.
Portland detectives interviewed Al Gore last week about allegations he sexually assaulted a massage therapist four years ago. She’d heard all the stories about him. She lived in terror until the lab tests came back negative for Dutch Elm Disease.
NASA sighted an asteroid headed for Earth in a hundred and sixty-two years. Do the math. This means in one hundred years kids can stop worrying that Social Security won’t be there for them and start worrying that they won’t be there for Social Security.
Oliver Stone said he will make a movie about Hitler and Stalin that is fair to them. His own beliefs always get in the way. In his George W. Bush movie the studio threatened to cut off funding if he made the coke dealer the moral center of the story.
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad launched a fertility drive Wednesday, offering Iranian families nine hundred dollars for every kid they have plus ninety dollars a month for college tuition. It’s obviously a CIA plot. U.S. sanctions have been a failure, but our welfare program’s sure to bankrupt them before they ever get a nuclear device.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.3.10

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