Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Cape Cod beachgoers were frightened out of the ocean by Great White sharks that appeared offshore Monday. The beach completely emptied. Everyone swam out into the ocean and painted BP’s logo on the sharks to get their share of the compensation fund.
Al Gore was cleared of charges Monday that he sexually assaulted a masseuse in his hotel room. Two other women in two other cities told the same story. Al may not have committed a crime but there’s no doubt he has a bad case of Irritable Towel Syndrome.
Oliver Stone apologized Sunday for saying that Jews dominate the media. He was promoting his next movie which he says gives Hitler and Stalin a fairer treatment. As long as Oliver Stone has a megaphone and a lawn chair Mel Gibson will always work.
The Arizona Diamond-backs game at CitiField in New York stopped Friday when two men ran onto the field waving a Mexican flag. Cops did nothing. It’s considered racial profiling in New York to arrest anyone carrying a Mexican flag unless he looks Muslim.
Virginia’s attorney general told police to check out the immigration status of people they pull over no matter what a U.S. judge said. It’s tense. Last night cops in Virginia pulled over a dozen illegals and returned them to their owners in the North.
Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio had a million-dollar bounty put on his head Tuesday by Mexican drug dealers for his crackdown on border crime. The sheriff is fighting a losing battle. His job is to seize marijuana faster than California can legalize it.
The Texas Rangers will be sold at auction in Dallas Thursday where the bidders include Fox News. This would cause big changes at the stadium. Players will have to run the bases backwards because if you turn left on Fox they’ll trade you to MSNBC.
President Obama infuriated blacks Monday by suggesting that Charlie Rangel end his career with dignity, a week after he fired a black woman without cause from the USDA. He really ought to give up this foolhardy quest to get into the history books. He’s got forty names ahead of him for the title of Our First Racist President.
Congresswoman Maxine Waters joined Charlie Rangel in legal jeopardy over House ethics charges Monday. They won’t step down and they won’t be forced out. Nancy Pelosi promised to drain the swamp, she never promised to expel the alligators.
President Obama was in Georgia Monday where the Democratic candidate for governor refused to appear with him onstage. He’s radioactive. Even Chelsea Clinton didn’t want a picture of him at her wedding because she might want to run for office someday.
Chelsea Clinton married Marc Mezvinsky in an interfaith ceremony Saturday. She is a Methodist and he’s Jewish. First the rabbi gave a blessing in Hebrew, then in the Methodist tradition the benediction was followed by a golf tournament with prizes.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.4.10

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