HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen escaped prison in Colorado Tuesday for the Christmas Day drunken assault on his wife. He needs to get sober. After twenty hard years Charlie Sheen’s liver is so black and so bloated it’s just been targeted by the House Ethics Committee.
Brett Favre texted the Minnesota Vikings he has decided to retire from the NFL on Tuesday. Here we go again. Brett Favre works out with high-schoolers every summer and by fall the kids in the drama department are awfully glad to be rid of him.
The University of Georgia was rated the nation’s number-one party school Monday in Princeton Review’s annual survey. Everyone knows it’s just a poll. Nothing is settled until Oklahoma plays Wisconsin at the Betty Ford alumni picnic every November.
President Obama said he will begin withdrawing U.S. combat troops from Iraq this month. The country will likely go back to being a threat to regional stability. That will give President Jeb Bush a chance to invade Iraq, giving his family the hat trick.
The Washington Post sold Newsweek for one dollar Monday to business mogul Sidney Harman, the husband of Democratic Congresswoman Jane Harman. He says he’s not buying it to make money. He’s doing it to get his wife to leave him when he puts Rush Limbaugh’s picture on the cover to sell magazines.
Mexico’s tourism officials published the Ten Routes of Mexico in international tourist magazines to lure visitors and thrill seekers to Mexico. It’s full of danger and adventure. Seven of the routes end in Arizona and three of them end in San Diego.
John McCain released a list of wasteful stimulus projects Tuesday. It included an accordion festival and a study of monkeys on cocaine. They could have killed two birds with one stone if they had had a camera backstage at the Lawrence Welk Show.
Congressman Peter King of New York ripped plans to build a huge mosque a block from Ground Zero. It’s not just the families that are upset. The local retailers have already formed an association saying they don’t want a Target in the neighborhood.
BP was assailed by Democrats Monday for using chemical dispersants to break up the oil spill which vanished last week. They sure worked. The Gulf of Mexico is so clear that kids on the beach are going out on rafts and playing spot-the-Mafia-snitch.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said Sunday economic recovery will be slow and unemployment will rise before it falls. This is worse than Halloween. Every August Tim Geithner puts on a Grim Reaper mask and asks us for eight hundred billion dollars.
The Financial Times said London’s U.S. Embassy was backed up until February with requests by U.S. citizens wanting to become British subjects. People who pay taxes are leaving the U.S. while people who get government checks are coming in. A year from now it’ll be a crime to leave the U.S. and you’ll need a homemade raft to get to London.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.5.10