Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reported a record heat wave across the South Friday. There were electrical power outages at hotels in Washington D.C. It was so hot at the Mayflower that Al Gore took off his towel and there wasn’t even a masseuse in the room.
British Petroleum poured concrete into the ruptured well Wednesday as the Gulf of Mexico cleared up. There goes the compensation fund for the locals. Now they all have to admit that the damage to their incomes was caused by alcohol and gambling.
California’s ballot measure banning same-sex marriage was overturned Wednesday by a U.S. judge in San Francisco. It never had a chance in a city so overwhelmingly gay. When the cops pull you over in San Francisco they ask you to fly a straight line.
Alex Rodriguez hit his six hundredth home run at Yankee Stadium Wednesday. The homer was a tape-measure blast. The ball landed over the left field fence inside Monument Park right between the two plaques honoring Jose Canseco and Lance Armstrong.
The U.S. Marshals Service admitted Friday it has been storing images from courthouse body scans. The TSA is suspected of saving airport body scans. We should have known what the government was doing when they wouldn’t stop complaining about the obesity epidemic.
Warren Buffett got pledges from billionaires nationwide Tuesday to leave their fortunes to charity. He said he’ll leave all his billions to charity when he dies. This explains why his children’s favorite Christmas movie was always Double Indemnity.
Missouri voted down President Obama’s mandate that everybody must buy health insurance. They’re not afraid to fight Washington. President Lyndon Johnson sent half a million U.S. troops to Vietnam because it was easier than desegregating Missouri.
Iran test-fired missiles Monday which the Pentagon said are capable of hitting eighty U.S. military bases in the Middle East. It says a lot. If there were eighty U.S. military bases protecting Duracell, you’d know we were serious about the electric car.
President Obama received the lowest approval ratings of his presidency in last week’s Gallup Poll. His policies are wildly unpopular and the American economy is collapsing but he has a plan. He is going to change his middle name to Herbert Walker.
Michelle Obama was criticized Thursday for jetting to Spain and renting thirty-five hotel rooms at a five-star resort. It’s fair to criticize her for the trip. Why should only teachers and autoworkers live like royalty at the taxpayer’s expense?
Attorney General Eric Holder announced the arrest Thursday of fourteen men who aided the terrorist group al-Shabab in Somalia. There is no government in Somalia, only piracy. The arrested suspects didn’t mean to support the terrorist organization, they were merely trying to invest in a country with a more business-friendly climate.
The U.S. Senate confirmed Elena Kagan in a floor vote presided over by Minnesota senator and acting Senate president Al Franken. If someone had told you ten years ago that a woman with no judicial experience would make it onto the Supreme Court you would have said no way. A comedian will be president of the Senate before that happens.
India’s Kama Sutra was published as an audio book Wednesday for the first time in the sixteen-hundred-year history of the sex guide. You can now listen to it on your way to work. We were safer with one hand on the phone and one hand on the wheel.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.10.10

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