Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michelle Obama vacationed on a beach in Spain Saturday where she was protected by security guards who followed her into the ocean. The threat was very real. Ever since the gulf oil spill the NSA’s been picking up a lot of chatter from the dolphins.
Naomi Campbell was called a perjurer in international court Monday for denying she knowingly received conflict diamonds from Liberia’s warlord Charles Taylor. All diamonds are conflict diamonds. That’s why they are used as wedding rings.
Johnny Carson’s personal trust transferred a hundred and fifty million dollars to the late comedian’s charity foundation Monday. The foundation announced it will give money to non-profits. The line for grants starts in Malibu and ends in Cleveland.
Tiger Woods hit three fans with errant shots at last week’s World Golf Championship in Akron. It was bad. You never thought you’d see the day when Tiger Woods could add up his score after each hole by looking down the fairway and counting the wounded.
NBC dropped Keith Olbermann from Sunday Night Football Monday. Oprah’s ratings are down, Letterman’s are down and Olbermann lost a gig at which he truly excels. The only thing linked with Obama that’s not going down right now is the unemployment rate.
President Obama spoke in Texas Monday and he blasted Republicans for proposing tax cuts. That took courage. He’s so unpopular in Texas that the only way they could get an audience for his speech was to put up a sign outside reading Now Hiring.
Russian firefighters battled massive wildfires on Monday which burned hundreds of square miles of brush on the Siberian tundra. BP never should have transferred its former CEO Tony Heyward to Siberia. The earth erupts in welcome wherever he goes.
Dick Cheney was doing fine Monday after he was released from a Virginia hospital after having surgery to put a pump in his heart. He was in the hospital for over a month. He refused to leave the recovery room until BP came in to sign off on the pump.
The Summer Olympic Games in London kept BP as a principal sponsor Tuesday. The company has lots of tie-ins planned. It’ll be a dramatic moment when the marathon runner runs into Wembley Stadium and lights the water fountain with the Olympic torch.
Nobel Prize-winning physicist Stephen Hawking said Monday mankind must leave the planet Earth or face certain extinction. He’s not the first prominent thinker to give up on the planet. Three masseuses are willing to testify that Al Gore threw in the towel.
GQ says Kentucky GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul was a wild kid in college. He belonged to a secret liberal club and once tied up a female classmate and made her smoke pot. He’s now raising so much money from Hollywood the Democrats will never beat him.
Moscow’s Sauna World Championship was marred Sunday when a participant died in the two-hundred-fifty-degree steam. That’s the difference between our countries. In Russia steambaths are an Olympic event while in America they’re a gay marriage rally.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.11.10

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