Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama announced plans to pull U.S. troops from Iraq in three weeks. They’re flying home to the U.S., then getting on a plane to Afghanistan. These hub airports make air travel so inconvenient it’s no wonder the flight attendants are flipping out.
Charlie Rangel denied ethics charges Tuesday as Maxine Waters awaited her turn in the dock. Twas ever thus. Congressmen must drive their own cars in Washington because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them.
Tiger Woods said Sunday he’d accept being the captain’s pick for the Ryder Cup team and admitted it’s been a long year. He’s had to move out of his house. Under an Orlando ordinance any house with more than 10 women in it is considered a brothel.
Fox News late-night host Greg Gutfeld made plans to open a gay bar next door to the mosque planned near the World Trade Center. The FBI loves the idea. It’s like having another thousand pair of eyes on every young man who walks into and out of the mosque.
University of Central Florida coach George O’Leary got in trouble for OKing a photo shoot of a Playboy playmate in the team’s locker room. It’s just immoral. If God had wanted people to be naked in a locker room he would have put showers in there.
Disneyland resumed selling Davy Crockett toy rifles in Frontierland on Tuesday after a 10-year ban. However, the children must fill out the necessary paperwork. Every gun comes with an NRA junior membership card and a GOP voter registration form.
The White House hailed Sen. Mike Bennet’s Democratic primary victory Tuesday after he was endorsed by Barack Obama. His opponent was endorsed by Bill Clinton. It was Barack Obama’s fourth major victory over Bill Clinton, after defeating Hillary, passing health care and staying faithful to his wife while she was out of the country.
House Democrats ripped the White House Thursday for not pushing a single-payer health bill. The GOP painted it as socialism. Republicans believe any form of outside assistance is socialism with the exception of Social Security and golf handicaps.
Al-Qaeda admitted Tuesday it’s started paying Sunnis to switch sides and fight against the U.S.-trained Iraqi government troops. The U.S. government paid the Sunnis to switch sides and fight against al-Qaeda three years ago. The baseball commissioner tried to warn George Bush against bringing free agency to Iraq but he wouldn’t listen.
President Obama was rated on 13 issues in the Gallup Poll Wednesday. His job approval rating is below fifty percent for his handling of every issue except race relations. Blacks and whites have united in opposition to his immigration policy.
Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum proposed a law cracking down on illegal aliens in Florida similar to Arizona’s law. Right now it’s easy for them to sneak into the state of Florida. They wash ashore unnoticed hidden inside bales of cocaine.
General Motors rolled out the Chevy Volt Monday which will get 230 miles per gallon in the city according to GM. You can’t take these numbers very seriously. The way the country is going downhill the car pretty much just glides.
Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater cussed out passengers on the PA system, grabbed a beer, slid down the emergency chute and drove home Monday, where cops broke in his door while he was engaged in gay sex. A star was born. Just yesterday he was a disgruntled flight attendant and today he is a measure on the California ballot.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.13.10

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