By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection for both his wife and his mistress seven years ago. He was sleeping with two women while recovering from prostate surgery. The Mitchell Report is expected to name sixty-four ballplayers and one mayor.
Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama during her speech in Iowa on Monday. The frontrunner is fading, the challenger can’t win, and the guys with all the talent can’t get any votes. This isn’t a presidential race, it’s the college football rankings.
The ECS computer chose Ohio State and LSU to play for the national championship instead of USC and Oklahoma. How insane is it? The ECS computer just took Hillary Clinton’s campaign office hostage in an attempt to get the mental health care it needs.
Rolling Stone says the weak dollar has resulted in a huge rise in the price of high-grade Canadian marijuana on U.S. streets. It’s very easy to spot a billionaire at a gas station. He’s the one who is filling up the tank and buying out the Twinkies.
Senator Larry Craig denied eight more charges of men’s room sex Sunday and said he still intends to fly to Bali for a global warming summit next week. What courage. He already sings first tenor and now he’s going to land at an airport in a strict Muslim country.
Victoria’s Secret was accused Saturday of ignoring slave labor conditions. The company insists that any models who were bought by the sultan last night made their own deal. They have better things to do than teach German girls how to sing the blues.
Don Imus returned to the radio airwaves Monday over WABC New York. The country is giving him a clean slate. The fact that he has hired two black sidekicks lets everybody know that he is a changed man and will only tell Mexican jokes from now on.
Miss Puerto Rico was accused Monday of making up a story that her evening gown was sabotaged with pepper spray backstage. It turned out to be a publicity stunt. She wanted to date the mayor of Los Angeles without having to go to journalism school.
Mike Huckabee vaulted to the top in the Iowa polls Monday after his hilarious performance with his Jesus jokes and his Hillary jokes in last week’s GOP debate. Mike Huckabee laughs with Jesus and at Hillary. Democrats do it the other way around.
Mike Huckabee was bashed by Mitt Romney for helping illegal aliens and by Rudy Giuliani for raising taxes Monday. It’s getting nasty. Mike Huckabee replied that Rudy Giuliani is a Roman Catholic and Mitt Romney is a Mormon, while he is an American.
Condi Rice was reported Monday to be ready to appoint Paul Wolfowitz chairman of her panel on arms control. His job will be to monitor Iran and North Korea. We need a man with proven ability to misinterpret intelligence and start a war for no reason.
Mitt Romney announced he will give a speech to clear the air about his Mormon faith Thursday and he will give the speech in Texas at the George Herbert Walker Bush Presidential Library. It surprised everybody. Are Mormons allowed on Saudi soil?
The National Intelligence Estimate revealed Monday that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program four years ago. The estimate is the combined opinion of sixteen intelligence agencies. It must be true because they’re not allowed to write fictional intelligence during the writers’ strike.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.05.07