Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. Postal Service reported a three-billion-dollar loss last quarter. Their figures show they lost a billion a month. The post office is always bragging it’s the most profitable branch of government, and now they have the numbers to back it up.
Dustin Johnson lost the PGA Championship Sunday for grounding his club in what no one knew was a sand trap. It also cost him a million bucks. It’s the first time all year that anybody’s lost a million dollars without the aid of a financial advisor.
German Martin Kaymer won the PGA Championship Sunday in a playoff victory over Bubba Watson. The crowd went wild for them. No one was looking for a political omen but anything that comes down to a Bubba and a German is never good news for Democrats.
Mel Gibson lost control of his Maserati while driving in Malibu Sunday evening and the car veered into a Malibu hillside. He was very upset at the car but nothing was caught on audiotape. By the time the police arrived he’d run out of Italian slurs.
Louisiana fishermen set out into the Gulf of Mexico Monday on the first day of shrimping season. Everything was upbeat. The water is clear, the beaches are clean and there’s twenty billion dollars waiting for anyone who can forge a fishing license.
Bozo the Clown was honored on the fiftieth anniversary of his debut in Chicago Monday. What memories. It recalls a more innocent time back when you could defeat your political opponent by calling him a Bozo and you didn’t have to say he was Hitler.
The Tillman Story opens in movie theaters Friday about Arizona Cardinals great Pat Tillman. He gave up NFL stardom to die fighting in Afghanistan. President Obama just declared his support for the building of a mosque near Arizona Cardinals Stadium.
President Obama ignited a firestorm Friday by backing the building of a mosque near Ground Zero. WTC families are appalled. Conservatives no longer think Barack Obama’s the Manchurian Candidate, they’re starting to think that he’s Rosemary’s Baby.
President Obama retreated from his support for a Ground Zero mosque Friday and insisted he was commenting on its legality and not its propriety. Think of it as cleaner energy. The breeze from President Obama’s U-turn is powering windmills on the White House lawn.
President Obama held a fundraiser at a home in Beverly Hills Monday. Attendees paid thirty thousand dollars per couple to meet him. Obama knew he was in L.A. when sixty married couples showed up and the only chick in the room was Barbra Streisand.
U.S. Senator Carl Levin was hit in the face with a pie by a Palestinian student protesting Israel policy Monday in Michigan. It shows progress. We’ve done such a good job of taking away their box-cutters they now have to watch Three Stooges movies to find new weapons.
Afghanistan’s Minister of Mines announced Monday that a geological survey may have found two billion barrels of previously undiscovered oil underground in the northern area of the country. There’s a lesson here for the Anglo-Saxons. Sometimes if you just go there, the reason for going there will eventually reveal itself to you.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.18.10

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