Posted: Thursday, August 19, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama landed in Los Angeles Monday for a fundraiser hosted by Steven Spielberg. The cops closed Wilshire, Olympic and Santa Monica Boulevards. The city takes every possible precaution whenever Steven Spielberg’s motorcade rolls into town.
Mel Gibson totaled his Maserati on Malibu Canyon Road Saturday. Don’t miss the audiotape. He blames the Jewish county supervisor for approving the road, Mexicans for paving it and the black guy at OnStar who recognized his voice and hung up on him.
Louisiana shrimp fishermen went back to work Monday and brought in their first catch since the spill was cleaned up. The reviews are terrific. Some Baby Boomers tried the shrimp last night and say they no longer creak when they get out of the car.
Brett Favre arrived in Minnesota Tuesday amid media speculation that he’s about to sign for another season. Every year he gets injured in the last game, he announces his retirement, he misses training camp, and then he signs a new contract. In Los Angeles where the weather never changes, we use Brett Favre to tell the seasons apart.
President Obama’s motorcade snarled L.A. traffic for hours on Monday. He learned something important. If you want to lose New York, endorse a mosque at Ground Zero, and if you want to lose California, tell L.A. drivers you’re more important than they are.
President Obama stood under a painting of Abe Lincoln Friday and told a Muslim holiday dinner at the White House he supports the building of a mosque near Ground Zero in lower Manhattan. It was too much for some people. Even Southerners were saying that Abe Lincoln may have destroyed our country but he would never go this far.
President Obama flew up to Seattle from Los Angeles Tuesday where he addressed a fundraiser. He was true to form. The president was in town to raise money for a statue of the Apple iPhone on a site just two blocks from Microsoft’s headquarters.
The PGA Championship’s TV ratings with Tiger Woods out of the hunt Sunday were thirty percent lower than they were last year. That settles one thing. Not only is Tiger Woods going to play in the Ryder Cup, they are going to give him a stroke a hole.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Monday he’ll retire next year after serving five U.S. presidents in top posts. He may be planning to run for president. He just took a certified copy of his birth certificate and leaked it to the National Enquirer.
The Taliban stoned a couple to death for adultery in Afghanistan. The families turned them in for eloping and breaking other engagements. The Taliban may seem medieval by our standards, but they could teach us a thing or two about reality shows.
Illinois former governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty by a Chicago jury of one of the twenty-four federal counts against him, that of lying to the FBI. He had no choice. If he hadn’t done that they would have found him guilty of everything else.
George Stephanopoulos was revealed Monday as Monica Lewinsky’s real White House crush, who spurned her advances before she got to President Clinton. No wonder Hillary had him fired. He violated his sworn oath to take an intern for the president.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.19.10