Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House dismissed a poll showing a fourth of Americans think President Obama is Muslim. The misinformation is widespread. Tiger Woods is just relieved he got adultery out of the way before an executive order makes it a beheading offense.
Tiger Woods finalized his divorce with Elin Nordegren in Florida Monday, giving the wronged wife five hundred million dollars. It wasn’t the first time cheating has been profitable. When Bill Clinton was president the nation was running a surplus.
American Airlines began charging extra for earlier seating in coach Monday. It just never ends. Last night a guy went online thinking about booking a flight on American and they charged him one hundred dollars for thinking about booking a flight.
President Obama scheduled a speech marking the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq Sunday. The same day the Pentagon said tribal warfare may keep U.S. troops in Iraq many years. It has Americans admiring salmonella for at least having an exit strategy.
George W. Bush was urged Sunday to help President Obama and back the Ground Zero mosque. The street protests are getting larger and angrier every day. The mosque has replaced Puerto Rican Independence Day as the biggest goldmine of police overtime.
New York construction workers signed petitions not to build a mosque at Ground Zero Monday. The site could get hostile. Muslims are crazy if they think New York construction workers aren’t going to whistle at a woman just because she’s in a burka.
New York was the site of angry street protests Sunday against the construction of the Ground Zero mosque in Manhattan. There’s a double standard. We’re waiting to see if Iran lets anyone build a church near Ground Zero in Teheran after next week.
Iran celebrated its armed forces day Sunday by unveiling its first unmanned drone bomber that travels six hundred miles. The Iranian government named the drone the Ambassador of Death. So it proves that Iran has diplomatic relations with someone.
The Boston Herald ripped President Obama for playing golf Sunday and not going to church on Martha’s Vineyard. The island was originally a Methodist spiritual retreat. That means a golf course was there a hundred years before the church arrived.
President Obama couldn’t swim on Monday because the coastal water is contaminated by fecal matter. A president of the United States shouldn’t have to swim through fecal matter. The whole idea of a vacation is to escape from your day-to-day office routine.
The Robert F Kennedy High school is set to open in Los Angeles this month. The five hundred million dollar complex is located at the old Ambassador Hotel where Bobby Kennedy was slain. This being Los Angeles, they were going to name it Marilyn Monroe’s Lover High School, but they couldn’t get the rights to the name from her estate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.25.10

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